Seabiscuit

Write c/o Elmer's Products Inc., Columbus, Ohio.

Sure, he was a short, stumpy horse with misfit owners who shocked and delighted the Depression-ravaged nation when he defeated War Admiral. But the real legend of Seabiscuit is all about the comedy.

"I remember back in 1937, I'm onstage in some rural Kentucky club, chickenwire barricade, whole nine yards," remembers jockey Red Pollard. "And I'm dying. The sound of cocking shotguns dying. Then Seabiscuit comes on stage, makes ONE joke about the saddlebags on some lady down in front, and he has GOT them. They were ready to kick our asses, and he turned that crowd around. They carried him out of there on their shoulders. Or at least they tried. Four people were crushed trying. They were drunk and he IS a horse, you know. That's the Great Depression for ya."

Since building his reputation as the bawdiest horse comic on the circuit, Seabiscuit has taken his act nationwide. "I like to open with stuff about me being an undersized horse," says the stallion. "Ask the ladies, though, and see who's undersized. I may have to keep a metal bit between my teeth, but your wife is keeping a pillow between her teeth when I come over. If you catch my drift."

But has the fame of a best-selling book and smash movie tamed the savage beast? Actually, it's just given him more material. "Have you seen that little runt horse they have playing me? Geez, I look better than that sis. I can't wait until they turn him into dogfood so I can feed him to my Dobermans. I've taken craps that run faster than that poser."

The comedy future looks bright for Seabiscuit, but retirement isn't such a bad option either. "You quit your job, what do you have to look forward to? Sitting around the house, watching TV, squeezing in a few vacations before you die. Me, I'm going to a farm where people pay me to have sex with fillies. HOT fillies. Screw you and your 401(k)."

Upcoming Shows

Seabiscuit is at the L.A. Improv Sept. 17-21, headlining shows.

November 13 he is a guest host on "Regis and Kelly."


READING ROOM: On occasion we get humor pieces from comedians -- you can find them all archived in our Reading Room.