John Cicada

too busy having sex to return e-mail

Spring 1987: a young larvae stands center-stage at the Kennedy Center. "Go ahead and nuke us, Gorby. I'm not worried about mutation. I think it might help my looks." The crowd goes wild. Chased by the applause of Ronald Reagan and visiting dignitaries, John Cicada oozes backstage. "I've got the pulse of the times," he tells a reporter. "I'm young, I'm fresh, I'm smart. And I'm gonna be around for a long time."

Spring 2004: a mature John Cicada stands center-stage at the DC Improv. "Holy ****, what happened?"

It's been a bumpy 17 years for John, even though he's only been awake for about three weeks of that time. "That's the business I guess. The '80s, that was a crazy time for comedy. Back then you could do an open mic the day you were hatched, and if the right guy was in the audience, two days later you'd be headlining for the president. Then you go to sleep for 17 years, and all your jokes about glasnost are suddenly crap. At least I'm not Yakov Smirnoff. He had to be awake while his career went in the tank."

But that legendary wit and insight are still in tact, so the last few days have been a reinvention. "I do a lot of jokes about dating, since I'm mating upwards of 14 times a day. And by the way, OUCH." And he's still plugged into social issues: "I don't see what the big deal is about teen pregnancy. But since it's essential to the continuation of my species, I may be a little biased."

He's also mixed in some racier stuff to catch up with the times: "Apparently, to some people, I'm a delicacy. I'm in a bar the other day and this woman tries to rip off one of my legs and chow down. Lady, that's not what I meant when I asked you to eat me."

As for the future? "Well, I'll be dead in two weeks."

Upcoming Shows

May 27, John Cicada has a guest spot at the DC Improv. Then he will die, leaving behind a crunchy shell.


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