Donner the Reindeer

send mail c/o The North Pole

His delivery is deadpan: "I hate to fly," he says. "You know how it is. You're getting all settled in for a flight, and then a huge smelly fat guy sits down next to you. And his carry-on bag weighs 1.5 billion tons. And then he starts hitting you with a whip.

"And that's just on Southwest. You should meet Santa some time."

The crowd erupts in laughter, a response that Donner, the up-and-coming star of the Canadian comic scene, has come to expect. After years of living in a red-lit shadow, this reindeer is finally coming into his own. Not that he's bitter:

"Rudolph is great, because it's really nice to see hard-core alcoholics get the credit they deserve." The crowd roars. "The song doesn't tell you that the reindeer games were mostly beer pong. Of COURSE we didn't let him play, because he's a mean drunk with ANTLERS. Really, if you drank that much gin, your nose would be glowing red, too. Not to mention your liver."

But what really motivates Donner is boredom: "I was in a funk. I work one day a year, because the reindeer union is that good. I live at the North Pole, because Santa likes cheap real estate. My only neighbor is Superman. And one day he says to me, 'you have magical flight powers and eternal youth. Go somewhere. Be something.' And why not? Plus, Santa had us all fixed, so it's not like relationships are a top priority right now."

So after months of practicing on elves, he took the stage in Ottowa in March 2002 and has never looked back. Though his material covers a lot of ground, his bread and butter has always been the behind-the-scenes look at the North Pole:

"I don't want to say elves are angry. But you know how waiters spit in your food? Elves work double shifts 364 days a year and get NO tips. So what I AM saying is, put on some gloves before you unwrap anything."

As for the future? When hunting season ends, he'll be making a tour through the United States. And he even has his own song in the works. "It's gonna be great. It's called 'Donner the Blue-Mouthed Reindeer,' and we're bringing in Lil' John to do the beats. I'm hoping to get Ludacris on board, so I'm gonna see to it that he gets every PlayStation 2 game ever made. Hey, in this business, it pays to have connections."

Upcoming Shows

Feb. 10-12, Donner is at the DC Improv.

In September, he's at the Boston Comedy Festival.

READING ROOM: On occasion we get humor pieces from comedians -- you can find them all archived in our Reading Room.