Ask a Stand-Up Comedian
Have you always wanted to know the secrets to life? To a happy relationship? How to drive the big rigs and experience the fulfilling career you've always wanted?
No one affiliated with this Web site knows any of those things, but if you send in your questions, we'll be glad to answer them in a completely useless and at times cosmically insulting way. WARNING: These columns get raunchy sometimes. Read at your own risk.
Dear Mrs. Web,
I love your columns! I am planning to marry the man of my dreams this August. Although his parents are wonderful, I'm a little concerned about the role that they still play in his life...particularly his mother. She still does my fiancé's laundry, cooks his lunches daily, and cleans his house. What do you think?
Actual Question, Dear Mrs. Web dating archives (www.dearmrsweb.com)
Herbie Gill: I don't have a mother in law, but I've seen many movies on how to deal with an overbearing mother, so I am now magically an expert. These films offer many fun and imaginative solutions for dealing with mom. I won't tell you the names of these films specifically, because seeing them will make you an expert too and much like the Highlander, there can be only one.
One movie (which will remain nameless) suggests that you toss mother from a moving locomotive. This solution is a good one because not only does it stop her from ever interfering in you and your husband's lives, but this saves you the drudgery of clean up and flimsy explanations. It seemed to work wonders for the main characters in this film. So if you feel this would fit your needs, take a cue from this film, buy a couple of Amtrak tickets, and remember to lift with your legs- not your back.
Another movie that I saw shows some problems that can arise when dealing with an overbearing mother. In this film, which we'll just call "Wacko," the guy ended up being his own mother. That's a toughie. Still, it makes sure you think it through before deciding to send her to hell. If your husband looks a lot like his mother, be careful because it could end up being your husband after all. By the end of this movie, I was completely shocked by this information. Before you jump the gun on that one, make sure your husband and his mother are, in fact, two different people. If you're knee deep in body parts before you realize you've hacked the man of your dreams to pieces, you'll look like a real horse's ass. I hope these messages bring you comfort. Always remember: movies are the key to solving life's problems, and lock your door when showering.