Ask a Stand-Up Comedian
Have you always wanted to know the secrets to life? To a happy relationship? How to drive the big rigs and experience the fulfilling career you've always wanted?
No one affiliated with this Web site knows any of those things, but if you send in your questions, we'll be glad to answer them in a completely useless and at times cosmically insulting way. WARNING: These columns get raunchy sometimes. Read at your own risk.
I am working this summer and saving to buy a new car. The car I have now is fine; I just want something newer. My problem is, what do I do with my old car when I get a new one? My parents are divorced, but both of them have asked me to sell it to a different brother. I know that when I choose one, the other will be upset and will think I am playing favorites. What should I do?
--Actual Dear Abby Question, 7/7
This week's comedian, Chris White: First things first: Destroy the car for the insurance money. Find a lonely drifter, the sort who lives in a rusty van in the parking lot of your local supermarket, and pay him $100 cash to take care of things. No more dilemma.
But more to the point: Why do you want a new car when your old one is fine (unless the new car is a stainless steel DeLorean)? Answer: you don't. You're projecting. What you really want, clearly, is a new family. Divorce, two separate brothers -- your home life is a Roman orgy of dysfunction, and you are being unfairly wrenched between your immature and irresponsible parents.
So: find a lonely drifter, the sort who lives in a rusty van in the parking lot of your local supermarket, and pay him $200 cash to take care of things. No more dilemma.