Ask a Stand-Up Comedian
Have you always wanted to know the secrets to life? To a happy relationship? How to drive the big rigs and experience the fulfilling career you've always wanted?
No one affiliated with this Web site knows any of those things, but if you send in your questions, we'll be glad to answer them in a completely useless and at times cosmically insulting way. WARNING: These columns get raunchy sometimes. Read at your own risk.
I am what you might call a "lazy person." I am 18 and still
live at home with my parents. My mother just told me that I have to be out
of the house by September. The thing is, I quit high school and don't have
a job. I don't have my GED, but when I do get it, I want to enroll in
hairdressing school. I don't know how my mother and stepfather think I can
make it on my own if I don't have the money. How can I convince them that
I will need more time?
--Actual Dear Abby Question, June
Larry XL: First of all, I must commend you for aiming high with that GED and hairdressing school. Whatever keeps your broke ass from telemarketing, robbing liquor stores, or trying to clean car windows at red lights. Tell your parents to picture you on the Jerry Springer show in a same-sex trailer park love triangle. That will make the extra few months you need to move out right seem reasonable.
My fifth-grade son, "Mikey," is considered the best soccer
player on our community team. My problem is the mother of another player
on the team. I'll call her Phyllis. At least three other moms have told me
that Phyllis has been criticizing me at the games to anyone who'll listen.
I have never done anything to her, and I'm beginning to wonder if she's
bad-mouthing me because my Mikey is a better soccer player than her boy.
(Everyone knows the only reason her son is on the team is because his dad
is the coach.) Last Saturday, I was standing on the sidelines talking with
another mother about the team's treats schedule, when Phyllis marched up
and told me the treats I've been bringing to the games are junk food. How
insulting! I made them myself. Abby, I've had it with her. I try to stay
as far away from this crazy-maker as I can. Is there a law against
slandering someone like she's been doing to me? No way am I going to put
up with her nonsense until our sons graduate from high school. Please
help.
--Actual Dear Abby Question, July
Larry XL: It's fifth-grade soccer. FIFTH F***ING GRADE SOCCER. I respect the sport, but in the U.S. soccer players make less than ice hockey players. If this were Brazil or France I could see the conflict. But if you say it's a problem, it's my duty to help you out before you do something stupid enough to get you on A& E's Investigative Reports over bulls**t fifth f***ing grade soccer. You could talk to Phyllis and try to resolve this issue, but I'm guessing you are way too chicken s**t to be that direct. So do this. Tell one or more of the other soccer moms how much you would like to eat Phyllis' p***y. Eventually word will get back to Phyllis, if not immediately. After that, every time Phyllis looks at you, give her that "I'll meet you under the bleachers" look. She'll either stop showing up at those games or take you up on the offer. If that happens, do your best. Either way, your soccer sideline drama problems will be so much more interesting. Write me a follow up letter and then I might be compelled to fix your complex lesbian relationship problems.
This problem may sound trivial, but it is wreaking havoc
in our household. Our dog snores. We thought it was cute when the pooch
was small, but now she sounds like she's going to rattle the walls apart.
Last night, the snoring was so loud I seriously considered checking into a
motel. Ann, we love this dog too much to get rid of her, but we can't go
on losing sleep. Please check with an authority and tell us what to do.
--Actual Ann Landers question, July
Adam Jacobs: kill the dog. Your husband has been having an affair with his secretary. That is more important. Have him killed as well. Make it look like a double suicide.