Ask a Stand-Up Comedian
Have you always wanted to know the secrets to life? To a happy relationship? How to drive the big rigs and experience the fulfilling career you've always wanted?
No one affiliated with this Web site knows any of those things, but if you send in your questions, we'll be glad to answer them in a completely useless and at times cosmically insulting way. WARNING: These columns get raunchy sometimes. Read at your own risk.
Why does God hate me?
--Washington, DC
Jared Stern: God doesn't hate you. Get over yourself.
Odds are either a) God hates a larger group of people to which you belong (NAMBLA? the Nazi Party? N'Sync, perhaps?), b) a lesser diety has your number (I hear Zork, the Overlord of Home Furnishings is quite ornery), or c) you're simply not taking your share of responsibility for a rather crappy life.
It's easy to blame a higher power for life's misfortunes but, you must remember, in order for God to hate you, he must first give a damn. Have you considered starting your own religion? That way you can get God's attention and let him know that he'd better watch his back, because Ralphism is the fastest growing religion in your house! That'll show him .. .or, at least, get you off my back.
I'd pray for you, but why root for a losing team?