Ask a Stand-Up Comedian
Have you always wanted to know the secrets to life? To a happy relationship? How to drive the big rigs and experience the fulfilling career you've always wanted?
No one affiliated with this Web site knows any of those things, but if you send in your questions, we'll be glad to answer them in a completely useless and at times cosmically insulting way. WARNING: These columns get raunchy sometimes. Read at your own risk.
I'm looking for an apartment in DC and have applied to live in several group houses. The problem is that the competition is really stiff and the 4 or 5 other people in the house have to "pick" you to live there. I never get picked. How can I make a good first impression and increase my chances of being liked by the other roomates?
--Living a Reality Show in D.C.
Erik Myers: First of all, I have lived in many group homes in my day.
They are not all they're cracked up to be. I mean, the elderly can be really annoying and smell like bowel movements. Or you gotta go to some "meeting" and say you're an addict and hate shooting smack into your asshole. Yeah right, if the pigs didn't catch me I'd be soaking my hemroids in nature's finest horse as we speak!!
But I digress. Anyway, first off you must find the 4 or 5 others tyring to move in, and kill them! If you're to much of a ****y I'll do it. Hell, I'm so smacked out I won't even remember, let alone feel remorse.
Then find the person in the house who holds the most weight, the most charasmatic person who everyone looks up to, and sleep with them. While they're asleep, steal their money and send me some, cuz I needs me some "white lady" before I go coconuts. If all else fails you can live with me. I snore and steal the covers and might even {UN-CHILD FRIENDLY WORD} you up the {UCFW #2}, but we all have to make sacrifices. So quit being such a wuss and send me my god damn heroin money BITCH!!!