Ask a Stand-Up Comedian
Have you always wanted to know the secrets to life? To a happy relationship? How to drive the big rigs and experience the fulfilling career you've always wanted?
No one affiliated with this Web site knows any of those things, but if you send in your questions, we'll be glad to answer them in a completely useless and at times cosmically insulting way. WARNING: These columns get raunchy sometimes. Read at your own risk.
My friend is much better looking than I am. I never get asked out when she is around. Should I stop hanging out with her?
--Medium in D.C.
Basil White: You're obviously the type of self-centered person whose needs blind you to the needs of others: namely, our need to have sex with the prettiest women we can find who are willing to receive our filthy manhood. Instead of trying to indulge your own desires, maybe you should concentrate on how you can help others have sex with your more attractive friend. This will demonstrate to others how generous you are, and may lead to pity sex. No poontang left behind, I always say.
Don't fool yourself into thinking your friend's having such a great time being beautiful. Beautiful women spend a lot of time posing for photographs, shopping at Hermes, and answering invitations to social engagements. You don't want that kind of burden. Just find a good day laborer and be grateful that you live in a society that will tolerate ugly people such as yourself.
As for your self-pitying attitude, I suggest a more thoughtful approach: the pornography industry. There's a fetish for every body type, and with a little marketing you should be able to carve out a niche for yourself in this growing multibillion-dollar industry. Be patient and optimistic, and eventually your Prince Charming will look through your hideous appearance and see you for the panicky desperate flower you really are.