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I'm in an awful dilemma and I don't know what to do. I'm
getting married next week and my bridesmaids keep snarking at each other.
This has been going on the entire time. I'm stuck in the middle of trying
to mediate between them, but I'm tired of it. I've told them to get over
it, but they don't and I just can't deal with them anymore! What can I do
to get through the wedding?
--Actual Question, Carolyn Hax Live Online Chat, July
Adam Ruben: Snarking? Snarking! Ha ha ha ha ha! Snarking! Okay, to seriously answer your question ... snarking! Ha ha ha, snarking! Hoo hoo! Sorry. But I'm picturing these bridesmaids doing sort of a thing where they bite each others' noses and make a noise like "Graah!" Snarking! It sounds like some weird specialty verb that you'd use in pinball, or maybe during a peanut-butter-in-the-s****h-fest. I think I still have my tee-shirt from PBITS-fest '97. We got down on Debbie with a jar of Jif and snarked all night long! Anyway, my advice to you is to muzzle the bridesmaids, but that's just sort of some general advice applicable to most situations. When in doubt, friends, muzzle the bridesmaids. And repeat the word "snarking" over and over again. While high.
Larry XL: You'd be bitchy too if your friend was getting married and all you had to show for it is one ugly-ass dress that you had to pay for and will never ever wear again. You see, you're getting married. In your friend's eyes, you are going to the goddamned Super Bowl. They see the cute husband, picket fence, the kids, the grandkids, the pets, the mini-van ... awwwwwww. (Pause to vomit) They will probably dump a cooler of Gatorade over you at the reception. Your friends, who are petrified that the might end up spinsters who die alone and get devoured by their 20 cats, are seriously freaking the **** out and since they can't snipe at you on you special occasion, they snipe at each other. Ignore them (along with the possibility that your future groom to be might be ****ing one of them behind your back) and enjoy your wedding.