Ask a Stand-Up Comedian
Have you always wanted to know the secrets to life? To a happy relationship? How to drive the big rigs and experience the fulfilling career you've always wanted?
No one affiliated with this Web site knows any of those things, but if you send in your questions, we'll be glad to answer them in a completely useless and at times cosmically insulting way. WARNING: These columns get raunchy sometimes. Read at your own risk.
I looked around one night when I was out with my friends and realized
that I was the one girl with about five guys. This has been a trend
with me lately and I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact
that I haven't had a real date in ages. I figure guys see me with my
guy friends and decide I must be more of a friend-type. I wouldn't
want to give up my guy friends but how can I start being seen for both
my x chromosomes?
--K Street Blues (Actual Question, Carolyn Hax Live Online Chat, July)
Jon Miller: In response to your question about not getting dates. Stop hanging out only with guys!! If you are out somewhere and a guy thinks you are attractive, they are not going to talk to you. For the simple reason that at least one of the guys in that group of five would like to sleep with you. So all he will do is get his buddies to help shoot him down. And no guy wants to be publicly emasculated like that.
The only reason why girls hang out with just guys is because of the lack of competition. That old "all my friends are guys" crap has got to go. I thought girls were supposed to stick together, now you all just stick apart. You get upset if someone has on the same outfit, or the same hair, or saw your boyfriend naked first and didnt tell you how bad it was.
Yet too many times you've gotten into the heat of competition over that "dreamy" guy. You know the one, only wears a white t-shirt and jeans, in February. No one knows where he lives or works, he just shows up at the local bar from time to time. Sure he's a little weird, and completely lacking of any kind of sense of humor. But he's got great buns and that's all that matters. Oh and he will sleep with anything that moves, including other men. Somehow though he's going to treat you differently.
Whatever happened to girls dating nice guys, who have hopes and aspirations? Like an editor at a newspaper, or president of a major company, or a stand up comic? How come the girls don't go for those guys anymore? Sure, we lack a perfect chest, but we can have meaningful discussions with you. And actually know what they mean. Not to mention the fact we probably dont have herpes, we just never had the chance to get them.
So who says we guys have to do all the approaching. Leave your guy friends behind and talk to that semi-chubby really pale guy. So what if he would normally be number nine on a drunken "I gotta get laid night," he could probably use the company. Take the initiative and maybe you can have your cake while getting eaten too.
Best of luck to you, and I usually drink at Grevey's in Merrifield, VA.
Connor Williams: Fortunately, your worst fears are way off in this one. The five or so guys that are constantly around you do not see you as "more of a friend-type" as you put it. Quite the opposite actually - they are simply waiting for the proper moment to proposition you for an orgy.
Requesting group sex has historically been a difficult venture, and these gentlemen are quite correct in biding their time before asking you. Asking you if you desire to engage in six-way copulation at an inopportune time would be a major faux pas and in extremely poor taste. Simply running off at the mouth and bluntly asking to simultaneously fill all of your orifices is the mark of a true lout - certainly not someone you would ever want to be intimate with in the company of four, five or twelve other men and a camera crew.
No, the gang-bang issue must be broached with the air of sophistication that such a sublime and wondrous event surely deserves. An evening of dancing, a soft caress, these gentle words tenderly slurred into your quivering ear: May I -- and five of my friends - have our collective way with you? This, friends, is the proper supplication for the beautiful symphony of flesh that is a gang-bang.
A lily in bloom, a Van Gogh canvas, the sounds of a half dozen sweaty men pumping away at the female form; what better examples can be named to show the hand of God steering our very existence? Your male callers are obviously quite well-versed in the art of the intricate, elaborate pre-orgy courtship dance conducted between one woman and multiple men. It is now up to you to respond to the tasteful overtures and to let both your x chromosomes - and the rest of your body - take part in this majestic ritual of unbridled passion.