Ask a Stand-Up Comedian
Have you always wanted to know the secrets to life? To a happy relationship? How to drive the big rigs and experience the fulfilling career you've always wanted?
No one affiliated with this Web site knows any of those things, but if you send in your questions, we'll be glad to answer them in a completely useless and at times cosmically insulting way. WARNING: These columns get raunchy sometimes. Read at your own risk.
Mr. White, I need some advice -- when do I know it's time to get married? When do I
know it's time to get divorced? Is now a good time to buy stocks?
-- Gary, DC
Chris White: Gary, you ask some interesting questions. Let's handle them in order:
1) When do I know it's time to get married?
This is remarkably easy. Find your girlfriend's day planner, and look for a day circled with red or black marker and surrounded with hearts. This is very likely your wedding day, though you may have no recollection of proposing, of her accepting, or of your planning the wedding. That is the time to get married. Have your dry cleaning done a week in advance; be prepared.
If you're not comfortable snooping, there are other ways to recognize your impending marriage:
--You'll be locked in a church bathroom wearing a suit, you'll be sweating profusely, your visa will be due to expire the next day, and several of the bride's brothers will be pounding on the bathroom door threatening to kill you. This is your special day, cherish it.
--A man wearing overalls will cock a shotgun and look at you in a menacing, welcome-to-the-family kind of way.
2) When do I know it's time to get divorced?
Go to your nearest compact disk emporium, and purchase Earth Wind and Fire's 1979 album, "I Am." Go to track 3, "After the Love Has Gone," and listen to it every day, first thing in the morning. The day you stop finding it hilarious, you are ready for a divorce.
Or, if you notice that your wife is attempting to saw off any portion of your body, it may be a good time for a trial separation.
3) Is now a good time to buy stocks?
It is always a good time to buy stocks. If history has proved anything, it is this: peasants will always try to steal loaves of bread, and the only way to keep loaf-stealing plebians in line is through corporal punishment. Stocks are humiliating, non-lethal and relatively affordable when compared to more draconian torture devices; your peasant will be chastened, but still healthy enough to return to gruelling agricultural labor in your beet patch. Also, there will be no ichor stains on your carpet (a definite problem with the Iron Maiden).
It should also be noted that stocks make a wonderful conversation piece at any of the singles-only cocktail parties you'll be hosting, after your wife attempts to split you in twain (see question 2). For an added bit of levity, before the partygoers arrive, dress the criminal peasant as a clown, or in a Japanese school-girl uniform.