Ask a Stand-Up Comedian
Have you always wanted to know the secrets to life? To a happy relationship? How to drive the big rigs and experience the fulfilling career you've always wanted?
No one affiliated with this Web site knows any of those things, but if you send in your questions, we'll be glad to answer them in a completely useless and at times cosmically insulting way. WARNING: These columns get raunchy sometimes. Read at your own risk.
I have a friend I'll call "Don." He's in his mid-20s and comes
from a good family. When we go out to eat, Don displays proper etiquette
and table manners, with one exception: He holds his fork in his fist like
a young child and shovels food into his mouth. Friends have noticed this
and commented to me about it. When I mentioned it to Don, it hurt his
feelings. Is there a gentle way I can help my friend?
-- Don's Dinner Pal (Actual Dear Abby question, 2003)
Erin Conroy: Dear Don's Dinner Pal,
Don? Don with the dolphin-shaped earring in his right lobe? I know DON!!! Wow, small world. Don was in my AA meetings for a while before we both fell off the wagon, thanks largely to an unfortunately rowdy bat mitzvah we attended.
And I know EXACTLY what you're talking about with the "fork" thing. It's so annoying, right? Not to mention the fact that he calls all the waiters "Hey a**hole" and insists on using everyone's napkin but his own. And don't get me started on his tendency to initiate conversations with surrounding tables, the topic of said conversations always being the smell in his basement.
Have you ever tried to go to the movies with Don?? The man ALWAYS brings in a flask of whiskey for heightened movie-going enjoyment, but never enough for all of the Youth Counselors. Now that's just plain rude! And his needle-sharing etiquette is APPALLING!! The man doesn't understand that when you're taking a ride on the H-Train with a couple of good friends and some of their Moms' boyfriends, you have to pass the syringe counter-clockwise. But every time, he hands it to his left. Ridiculous! And between you and me, don't rely on Don for an efficient and eco-friendly body disposal. I swear to God, if I had a dollar for every time I found a mangled corpse or incriminating bloody handprint in the shed back behind his Mom's house; well, then I would have enough money to get a professional to smite my enemies!!!! I mean, Don uses plastic garbage bags for body disposal!! Come on, man! Don't you know how long that will take to disintegrate?!? Let's be a little more planet-conscious!!!
All that being said, Don's a pretty good guy. I guess the best way to handle that whole "fork fisting" thing would be to ask him politely not to do it in your presence. Oh-just make sure he's not on crystal meth when you do it. One time I saw him bite this guy's ear off because he pointed to a stain on his favorite Whitesnake t-shirt...no lie.