Have you always wanted to know the secrets to life? To a happy relationship? How to drive the big rigs and experience the fulfilling career you've always wanted?
No one affiliated with this Web site knows any of those things, but if you send in your questions, we'll be glad to answer them in a completely useless and at times cosmically insulting way. WARNING: These columns get raunchy sometimes. Read at your own risk.
Dear Amy:
My husband and I are in our 80s. Five years ago we moved to an
assisted-living complex and have enjoyed the activities and friendships
we've found. However, the new living arrangement has also moved us closer
to our married 65-year-old daughter. Our daughter's marriage has been
failing for many years, and additionally she has never had the privilege
of enjoying friendships or a social life. Since our move she has been
enjoying her only friend and social partner -- me. Frankly, I love my
daughter, but she's a bore. I'd rather socialize with my husband, new
friends or myself. I've tried everything but she still keeps "hanging
around." What should I do or say to her, as she doesn't take any of my
hints?
-- Wants to Enjoy Life (Actual "Ask Amy" Question, Fall 2003)
Wally Witkowski: Dear Wants to Enjoy Life,
Um, did your daughter ask to be born when you were letting your "husband" lay pipe some 66 years ago to the likes of Benny Goodman and Harry James on the gramophone? I think not.
You say "she has never had the privilege of enjoying friendships or a social life." That's sweet. I wonder where she learned that from? "Frankly, I love my daughter, but she's a bore." You guys must must be like Evil Knievel on acid, yourselves. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, the statute of limitations on child abandonment and neglect is 67 years. Hmmm ...
Listen Miss Whiney, like I always tell my fellow parishoners, placentas are like cherries, baby: You break it, you bought it. You're complaining to me that you didn't raise your daughter right? I'd suggest reading the lovely classic novel "Frankenstein" by Mary Shelley. It would serve you right if your annoying daughter ended up parking her clingy ass into your retirement home and became your roomie, you breather of other children's oxygen.
"I'd rather socialize with ... myself." Ewwwwww. At your age? Thanks for that image burned into my mind.
BTW, I work across the street from a retirement home. Every time I see an ambulance in the cul-de-sac, I shout out to the newsroom: "Vacancy!" I know, I'm a real hoot.
But, you know, I may be able to help you out, I've been thinking of opening up a franchise of casino retirement homes for the wealthy. Send me your Visa/MC # & your mom's maiden name and we can talk.
Enjoy Life While You Can,
Wally Witkowski (not affiliated with Guaranteed Happiness
Retirement Homes, Ltd. "The Loosest Slots Reimbursed By Medicare").