Ask a Stand-Up Comedian
Have you always wanted to know the secrets to life? To a happy relationship? How to drive the big rigs and experience the fulfilling career you've always wanted?
No one affiliated with this Web site knows any of those things, but if you send in your questions, we'll be glad to answer them in a completely useless and at times cosmically insulting way. WARNING: These columns get raunchy sometimes. Read at your own risk.
Dear Love:
I have been in my relationship with this man for eight months, and I am in love with him. But, my question or concern is when I say to him, "I love you." There is nothing -- just silence. I don't care if he doesn't say it back, however, something kind or caring stated back would be appreciated. What is the problem? What should I do? Am I just fooling myself?
-- The Silence Is Killing Me (actual question from lovingyou.com)
Greer Berner: You KNOW he loves you. Remember that time he asked you to do that sexual act that he only did one time with his first girlfriend? Ok, maybe he never came out and SAID that means he loves you, but clearly, it
does. Men never lie about sex. Also, don't you catch him, on occasion, looking at you? This also means he loves you. Some men just have trouble saying the words. I have several wise pieces of advice:
I guarantee he's worth all your time, money, and effort. They ALL are.
Your Sister in Codependence, Greer
Michelle Reed: First things first: Is he deaf? Try saying I love you in sign language; see if that helps. Another possible explanation is that he may be tuning you out. Could be that he's continuing to hear "bla, blah, blah," like he's always done before. Another thought is that he may be one of the tiny percentage of men who has difficulty expressing his emotions. Hold off on saying the big three words anymore and see what happens. He may take you by surprise and say it when you least expect it. This would allow him to forget that you were the first to say it, so that he can now see himself as the brave risk taker that he's not. Lastly, be prepared to accept that he purposely may be trying to hurt you. Everyone knows how hard it is to throw that ball into the court, so his silence may be his way of implementing cruel and unusual punishment. I'll tell you like my grandma used to tell me as she tucked me into bed at night: "Sweetie, there's a lot of sadistic psychos in the world."
Frank Hong: Unlike a fart, a silence response doesn't necessarily mean deadly. I recommend doing the same to him. Next time he starts yapping about something that he's really into like his fantasy football lineup or that he wants your hot friend to join you guys in bed, be silent. If he freaks out, get rid of him. If the silence doesn't bother him, you two are a match like in a game of memory. Anyway, don't have so much high expectation of 'true love'. We can't all be as lucky as Jennifer Anniston & Brad Pitt or Siegfried & Roy. Haddaway said it best in his one hit wonder, 'What is love?' As long as your mate isn't a mass murderer, silence seems easy to compromise for.
Jerry Thomas: Actually, we're kind of glad you brought this up. We've been getting a lot of complaints about you. Your neighbors, it seems, are disturbed by your behavior, and they have asked us to help set you straight. You see, standing on the front porch of your house, muttering erotically into the ear of a manikin with a sign reading "Brad Pitt" hanging around its neck, and reacting with histrionics when it fails to reply, is, well, outside the bounds of community standards. It wouldn't be so bad, but you're scaring the children. And bringing down the property values. Please stop.