Ask a Stand-Up Comedian
Have you always wanted to know the secrets to life? To a happy relationship? How to drive the big rigs and experience the fulfilling career you've always wanted?
No one affiliated with this Web site knows any of those things, but if you send in your questions, we'll be glad to answer them in a completely useless and at times cosmically insulting way. WARNING: These columns get raunchy sometimes. Read at your own risk.
Dear Love,
I feel as though my heart is being torn. I have two possible men to choose from. The first is bright, mature, and is just so much like me. We share common interests and enjoy and want the exact same thing. The second is younger than myself. We share some of the same ideals and interests. He likes to be witty (not for his own good) and sometimes I get the feeling that I am what us daters call "the fall back" girl. Even still, he has touched a special place in my heart. I also see that he does not know what he wants, and still has some wild oats to sew. The first guy has already gone through that stage, and it is like we are on the same exact levels in our life. What should I do?
-Who Do I Pick? (actual question, lovingyou.com)
Jared Stern: Well, of all the questions I've been asked, this is certainly the most recent. This is a difficult choice to make: wild oats or oatmeal? Instead of examining the good and the bad of bachelors 1 & 2 , let's focus our microscope on you. First of all, no offense intended mind you, FUCK YOU...you have two potential mates to choose from. I've been futzing around on Match.com for the last six months with nothing to show for it but a blister on my clicking finger and a 20 page photo gallery of women who want nothing to do with me. *SIGH* But enough of my problems, we're here to exacerbate yours.
There's one thing I need to know before I can accurately assess your situation...have you slept with either of these guys yet? If you haven't, that explains why Guy #1 shares your "common interests" and likes the same stuff you like...he's putting up with your bullshit so he can seal the deal. If you have slept with him and he still went with you to the National Quilting Festival, smiling all the way...congratulations, you turned him gay and now he might as well share all of your common interests, like pedicures and having sex with men.
On to Guy #2. If you haven't already had some of his "honey bunches of oats", fear not, you are not "the fall back girl". Quite the contrary, after a night of wining and dining, peppered with his wit to make the conversation remotely bearable, you reward him with a simple peck on the cheek, he calls his real "fall back girl" so she can...well, fall back for him *nudge nudge wink wink*. If you two have slept together, and he still wants to wildly sew, then just accept the fact that his knitting needle has other toaster cozies to stitch besides yours.
Ok, so now that I've handicapped these two studs for you...I think it's only fair that your future happiness rest in the outcome of a coin flip. I'll be using the Alabama state quarter...with the head of George Washington representing heads and, I shit you not, Helen Keller representing tails (Alabama being the birthplace of Helen Keller jokes). Heads, you pick the first guy...live a happy 6 months with him, until you realize that he's decided to leave you for the younger woman who has "touched a special place in his heart"...and by "heart", he means "pants". Tails, you pick the younger beau... enjoy a great couple of weeks of buying him beer and making out in his parents' basement, until after exams are over and you have to give him the "D" he earned by "filling in your scantron bubbles".
Either way, I'm now one hour closer to finishing my community service sentence...