Ask a Stand-Up Comedian
Have you always wanted to know the secrets to life? To a happy relationship? How to drive the big rigs and experience the fulfilling career you've always wanted?
No one affiliated with this Web site knows any of those things, but if you send in your questions, we'll be glad to answer them in a completely useless and at times cosmically insulting way. WARNING: These columns get raunchy sometimes. Read at your own risk.
As an Arab-American, I would like to know what your feelings are on
profiling Arabs in the United States.
- Saleem
Ian Salmon: Well, since I'm a black man I would naturally be against any form of racial profiling. But I'm going to have to say, "yes, do it." And for me it's just for selfish reasons, because point blank, I have not been pulled once since 9/11. In fact, I have been driving with a tail light out for over a year. I'm just not the focus of attention anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Muslims. In fact my best friend is Arabic and I love him, but after 9/11 I just told him, look bro, just lay low for a while. When this blows over we'll hang out again. And oh, can I borrow your PlayStation 2?
Saddam Hussein: Hey man, I hear ya. What is with all of this Arab profiling? I mean, if you think you have it bad in the states, you should see what they're doing over here in the Middle East. You just go about your daily life, walking down the street, choosing random men to be publicly executed in front of their children, then giving their widows to your henchmen, then torturing their family dog with a red-hot tire iron which is also hooked up to a car battery, and all of a sudden, WHAMMO, the man is all over you.
And what did I do? Dictate while being tan?
We live in a global community, people, and Arabs have rights just like anyone else. Like the right to spend $10 billion in food aid on a 10-story underground complex, or the right to use poison gas on an ethnic minority, or the right to cut out an underling's tongue and then threatening to kill his mother if he doesn't laugh at your jokes.
Stay out of my bunker, John Ashcroft!