Have you always wanted to know the secrets to life? To a happy relationship? How to drive the big rigs and experience the fulfilling career you've always wanted?
No one affiliated with this Web site knows any of those things, but if you send in your questions, we'll be glad to answer them in a completely useless and at times cosmically insulting way. WARNING: These columns get raunchy sometimes. Read at your own risk.
While millions of people responded to our plea for Thanksgiving wishes, only one was deemed printable. Ian Salmon offers the following verse, and wishes all a Happy Thanksgiving!
Ian Salmon: I am thankful for the date you canceled
I am thankful for the hotel room that was not reserved
I am thankful for the MC that forgot my intro
I am thankful he also did my joke about J-Lo
I am thankful you talked through my set
I am thankful for the joke you all didn't get
I am thankful for all the sh***y towns I will see
But most of all I am thankful to be a standup comedian because it's all I know how to be.
Happy Turkey Day