Ask a Stand-Up Comedian
Have you always wanted to know the secrets to life? To a happy relationship? How to drive the big rigs and experience the fulfilling career you've always wanted?
No one affiliated with this Web site knows any of those things, but if you send in your questions, we'll be glad to answer them in a completely useless and at times cosmically insulting way. WARNING: These columns get raunchy sometimes. Read at your own risk.
I'm currently 12 and I want to be a comedian. I want to be on the great Saturday Night Live, but i don't know what to write about for my material. What should I write about?
--Actual Question. No, really
Chris White: Hmm. Saturday Night Live, eh? Well, the first and most obvious point is, why would a 12 year old be up late enough to watch Saturday Night Live? What is parenting coming to these days? After a long day in the rice paddies, a child should simply be too tired to last anywhere past 9:30, even when they're sleeping on the usual pile of rusted metal scrap because they failed to meet their quota. Discipline. Discipline.
But maybe you're mature for you age. Lord knows I was after 11 1/2 years waist deep in seedlings. So the question, is "what should I write about?" Well, the standard answer to this question, across all genres of writing, is "Write What You Know." This is, unfortunately, horribly wrong. If you are a product of an American public or private school, you do not know all that much. Maybe you know standard math problems, but math jokes are not funny. (Q: What's 2+2? A: That depends on if you're using Modulo 3 mathematics! Ha! See, not funny. Adam Ruben also addressed this in the Dec. 29 column.) Sure, you could write jokes abut your personal life, but quite frankly, you're 12, and tortured self-reflection doesn't really start to kick in until about 12 3/4. So that's a big zero.
You are, however, in luck! While you may not know anything, the chances are than 90 percent of the audience also knows nothing -- this isn't Japan, after all! They don't know what you do or don't know, you know? So, you can lie all you want! Really, make stuff up. Sure, people will never get to know the "real you," and the lies will eventually bleed into your actual life, creating an impossibly twisted pseudo-reality that will haunt you for the rest of your days. But you will be a star! At least until you lie on your taxes. Then you will be stuck in the "Surreal Life" house with Stephanie from "Full House" in the year 2024. Godspeed.
In the event that you want a serious response: Anything you find remotely funny during the day, take a note. Then write a joke about it. It doesn't matter what the subject is. If you continue to pursue comedy, you'll find that only a very small percentage of what you write will make it through to the final product. So your best bet is to write jokes about anything and everything. When you start to pick out the best jokes, you'll get a better idea of what's funniest to you, and what your strengths as a comedy writer are. You have a very long time to work this stuff out, so don't get hung up looking for a perfect topic. Just keep on writing and you'll be surprised what you come up with. Also, don't spend all your time doing comedy writing. The experiences and information from other parts of life are what give you material in the long run.
And for heaven's sake, harvest more rice. People are starving.