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Given the flood of recent election-related questions to dcstandup.com, we kindly offer the following primer on the Iowa caucuses. Enjoy.

What is a caucus?

A caucus is, quite simply, when all the men and women of Iowa travel 200 miles to forced breeding centers and procreate under the watchful eye of state militia members. This practice dates back to the founding of Iowa in 1833 by the Hevronites, a quasi-communal religious cult obsessed with the end of the world, which according to their Scriptures would be arriving in 1845. Forced breeding programs were to guarantee child footsoldiers in the Hevronite army; children were considered an ideal front line against marauding demon hordes, as their meat was stringy and difficult to digest. On Jan. 1, 1846, the Hevronite leadership was summarily executed, despite their protests that "you just can't take a joke." Forced breeding continued, however, and when sexually mature adults arrived at Lovenasiums three weeks later, they took the opportunity to choose new leadership, through size comparison.

Who is eligible to lead?

According to the Iowa constitution those chosen in the caucus should be "stout of mind and spirit, pure of seed, one whose progeny will smite the rampaging dead with mighty cleaves from very sharp farm implements."

Where is Iowa?

The Hevronites believe that Iowa rides through the vast confines of space on the back of giant turtle named Jeff. Scientists have yet to disprove this theory.

What is ethanol?

Ethanol, always a hot topic in the Iowa caucus, is a street term for crystal meth. Hevronites, in order to complete their daily regimen of self-flagellation, farming chores and digging vast underground complexes, found that meth was extremely useful in boosting their energy levels. To this day, Iowans are strongly in favor of both "ethanol subsidies" and the legalization of trying to unscrew the head of a federal officer while suffering nosebleeds.

So who will win?

It's difficult to say, as most polls have a 4 percent margin of error. But the safe money is on Lyndon LaRouche. According to 1Politics.com: "LaRouche ... weaves a web of conspiracy theories -- cloaked in a swirl of historic truths and mistruths -- usually implicating Queen Elizabeth, British bankers, the Pope and the Jesuits, the Trilateral Commission, drug cartels, environmentalists, Jane Fonda, Ted Kennedy, George Bush, the CIA and FBI, Osama bin Laden, gays, Israel, the Clintons, Margaret Thatcher and many others. ... LaRouche was convicted and imprisoned for five years on felony fraud charges in the late 1980s related to the fundraising activities of his political organization -- although his supporters maintain he was a political prisoner unfairly prosecuted by vindictive federal government agents." With Vermin Supreme not eligible for the ballot in Iowa, LaRouche is clearly the favorite. Complete list of Democratic candidates.