Ask a Stand-Up Comedian
Have you always wanted to know the secrets to life? To a happy relationship? How to drive the big rigs and experience the fulfilling career you've always wanted?
No one affiliated with this Web site knows any of those things, but if you send in your questions, we'll be glad to answer them in a completely useless and at times cosmically insulting way. WARNING: These columns get raunchy sometimes. Read at your own risk.
This year my in-laws sent me a peek-a-boo nightie with thong panties for my birthday. I've met them only once. I am shocked that they sent a gift like this to me. They have never sent me a birthday gift before (and I am not complaining). But I do not wear thong underwear. Obviously, I will thank them for thinking of me. But how? And how can I tactfully suggest that they not send me something like this in the future? -- SHOCKED IN NORTH CAROLINA (Actual Dear Abby Question)
Jon Miller: So your in-laws sent you a nightie and some thong underwear. Maybe they are trying to tell you something. In this day and age it is normal for a child to have hippie parents and talk openly about their sex lives with them. Which is obviously what your spouse has done. He has informed them that your sex lives have grown stale, already, and that he wants to spice things up.
Either that or your in-laws are rednecks and think you are hot enough to be a stripper. In that case you should take it as a compliment. Most girls have in-laws that are very judgemental and don't think their daugther in-law is good enough. Not only do they think you are good enough, they even want to help you get a job.
Which could be another problem. Maybe you are unemployed and they are trying to tell you something? If you are an out of work waitress (because Denny's had too many girls for the nightshift) they could in fact be thinking,"Hey she likes to work nights, strip clubs are open at night. She has an amazing body, lets help her out." So don't be offended, they are just trying to help you be a better person.
As far as letting them know they shouldn't give you something like this again: I would say you should invite the whole family over for dinner. Then serve dinner in the nightie and thong. Make sure you drop a lot of stuff in front of grandpa and bend over. Not only will you not get any more presents like that from them, you wont even have to worry about getting anything for Christmas ever. You probably wont even get invited over for the Fourth of July picnic. And who really wants to miss out on that?
So don't be insulted. Wear that nightie for your new husband and your customers at your new job. Just don't forget that your spouse and his family love and support you. Whether or not you can please their son in bed or they think you are a tramp. At least they like you enough to think about it, and that is saying something. Do not push away the love they want to give. Embrace it and next year for Christmas give your mother in-law a vibrator. I wish you all the best!