Ask a Stand-Up Comedian
Have you always wanted to know the secrets to life? To a happy relationship? How to drive the big rigs and experience the fulfilling career you've always wanted?
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DEAR AMY: Next week I'm traveling with a co-worker to a five-day company conference. We're flying on an airline that does not have reserved seats, and he has alluded to sitting together during the four-hour flight. As a way to preserve the little "alone time" I'll have during the week, is there a tactful way I can let him know that I prefer to sit alone on the
plane?
- Laura (Actual "Ask Amy" question, March)
Jon Miller: So you're going on a trip with a co-worker and you don't want to sit next to him on the plane. That is an easy one, if you ask me. A week or so before the flight, you need to begin a regimen of making sure this guy sees you. Make sure that when he does see you that you scratch yourself a lot. Not in normal places, but places where you shouldn't really itch very much.
I am talking about places like your head. Say something when you do it, like, "Ever since I got this new kitten my head has been itching like crazy. I hope I am not allergic to it. Oooh, do you think maybe since it was a stray it might have bugs?!"
This not only makes him think you are contaminated with something. It also makes you look like a moron, and why would he want to sit and talk to a moron for four hours.
The other place you should scratch yourself is in the crotch region. Don't do this too much or your other co-workers will notice too. When you do it in front of this guy say something like, "I went to this party the other night. And when I came to, I was at home, in the front yard. And some guy was pulling his truck out of the driveway really fast."
This will have him thinking that you are tainted top to bottom. And if he doesn't think he can get you at the top or the bottom, he won't want to try and hit on you. Thus eliminating his need or desire to sit next to you on the plane. And actually he probably won't want to see you for most of the trip. Except when necessary, of course.
Of course if all of this fails, the morning of the flight, when you first get there just tell him that you have strep throat and cough a lot. We all know those planes use recycled air. he will want to be at the other end of the plane, I would think. Happy Flying!