Ask a Stand-Up Comedian
Have you always wanted to know the secrets to life? To a happy relationship? How to drive the big rigs and experience the fulfilling career you've always wanted?
No one affiliated with this Web site knows any of those things, but if you send in your questions, we'll be glad to answer them in a completely useless and at times cosmically insulting way. WARNING: These columns get raunchy sometimes. Read at your own risk.
DEAR ABBY:
I have several good friends. Whenever a friend starts to become "clingy," I start to withdraw and even try to avoid them. By "clingy," I mean they phone one or more times a day. Sometimes it's people who expect me to go with them all the time, or "always" sit by them at gatherings or events. Not all my friends act this way, and I have great relationships with those few who don't. How can I convey to the others that I like my space and feel intruded upon when they become clingy? I try to laugh it off, but it wears on my nerves,and then I feel guilty for feeling the way I do.
-- FEELING BAD IN TEXAS (Actual "Dear Abby" question, Aug. 4, 2004)
Adam Ruben: Dear FEELING BAD IN TEXAS, I totally understand your problem about clingy friends. These people call you just to chat, sit near you at social events, and generally make it known that they value your presence. How dare they! Don't take that kind of crap from them!
The next time a companion makes you feel accepted as a human being, get right in their face and say, "I don't need your warmly offered friendship and love! I prefer the bitterness of my own angry solitude!" Then sulk in a corner. Corners are good places for sulking.
Remember that friendship is a drug. Sure, at first it seems harmless--a casual "hello" in passing, a tight-lipped smile from across the lunch table. But then you feel you need a bigger hit, so maybe you go out for a meal together sometime. Then before you know it, you're sprawled out on a blanket together in a daisy patch, sipping pink lemonade, enjoying the fresh night air, and sharing your innermost fears. So, FEELING BAD, if someone offers you their friendship, tell them, "No thanks. I prefer to get high on loneliness." I hope that answers your question. Oh, and stop calling me "Abby." It's creepy.
Erin Conroy: Jane? Is that you?!?! I know it's you -- I can tell by the way you use your quotation marks, and by the fact that you used seven complete sentences. Also, you tend to lean towards words with more vowels than others. Do I know you, or do I know you?
Why would you write such things about your friends? Surely you don't mean me! You and I have the kind of friendship where I can call you anytime -- day or night. Like last night when I called you to talk about the crayon I found under my couch! I wanted to know how you felt about Pine Forest Green crayons, and if you had any objections to my using it in the collage I'm making about our friendship.
Even though I only met you three weeks, four days, 5 hours and 12 minutes ago, I feel like our connection transcends the ages! I know you too would not scoff at what we have! Who else would offer, free of charge mind you, to do the make-up for your mother at her funeral? Now I know she hasn't passed away yet, but when she does, I will be right there with the blushes and eyeshadows that will make her look ten years younger! Yes, I know she's healthy now, Jane -- but you never know what tomorrow, or even next Thursday right after she gets out of work and goes down that dark alley to pick up her car, may bring!
And who do you think will be there for you, when all your family and friends mysteriously and gruesomely die in the next few months? I will, Jane. I will. Because that's what friendship is. So I know I can't possibly be the friend you find "clingy", because I know you mean it when you say, "Of course I think you're a great person, Erin! Now please put my dog down!"
Well, I'm gonna wrap this up now, because I know you have to get to your step aerobics class at that gym on First and Main Streets. Locker #3246 for all your gym clothes, right? Well, don't be surprised if there's a little something in there from me! And later tonight maybe we can catch a movie! I know you don't have plans, because there's nothing in your Palm Pilot. So how's about I just wait at your apartment for you? No need to leave the door unlocked -- I have a key!!!
Best Friends Forever, Jane! F-O-R-E-V-E-R ...