Budget FY 2004

by Chris White, February 3, 2003

Describing what he called "a bold new path for Chris White," Chris White today announced a $1.6 trillion budget for his upcoming fiscal year.

"Despite these tough times, my commitment to a strong economy, and to my owning a motorcycle, are as strong as ever," announced White at a Tuesday press conference. "Also, I think I might take a trip to Boston to visit my friend Don, so that's like a $200 plane ticket right there."

Included in the proposal, which was released to the media as two 3 x5 index cards and several cocktail napkins, are significant decreases in tax burdens, increases in domestic beer spending, and $700 billion for missile defense programs. Critics were quick to note that the budget failed to account for the possible expense of White's looming conflict with Comcast Cable over "that pay per view that I just didn't order, so screw them and their late fees."

Also controversial is Mr. White's plan to increase his projected earnings to $1.9 trillion by "issuing bonds, that's legal, right?"

Among the other highlights of the budget:

--A 560 percent increase in Mr. White's Car Fund, to $3,500.26, or roughly what you would need to make a downpayment on a very fine ride he saw on Carmax.com.

--$200,000 in cash to throw in the face of P. Diddy.

--An increase of $10 billion to $12.5 billion for foreign aid, mainly earmarked for an Indian exchange student Mr. White once knew in college who just needs some seed money for a start-up firm that will sell these hilarious T-shirts on the Internet. I mean really, they're hilarious, you've got to see these things.

--$130 billion for an orbital laser platform / hollowed out volcano control center capable of disintegrating all those who dare oppose the iron will of their new master, as well as cooking burritos.

--$200 billion to be converted into hard currency and placed in a large tower, replete with diving board, in the vicinity of Duckburg.

--$1.8 billion in "getting around money."

--$17 billion to purchase all the professional sports teams in New York City and enslave their players in the hot lava mines beneath the hollowed-out volcano control center.

--$10,000 to impress "the stacked waitress who gave me this cocktail napkin."

White's priorities set the stage for a showdown in his household, where his roommates have already accused him of fiscal recklessness. "I think I'd like him to pay the gas bill before he forks out the cash to invade Costa Rica," said North Dakota Sen. Kent Conrad, the top Democrat living in White's group home.

Conrad also noted public uneasiness over White's budget plan. "The American people do not have confidence that this budget will get Mr. White tail, or set the economy on the right course."

White was quick to note a recent ABC News poll, however, that indicated most Americans "have no ****ing clue what they're talking about when it comes to the economy."

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