by Chris White, for dcstandup.com
CAMP PATRIOT, Kuwait (dcstandup) - Building upon the success of dolphins used to locate mines in the waterways surrounding Iraq, the U.S. military today announced a $46 billion initiative making dolphins the front line in missile defense.
"Space-based lasers, ship-based interceptors ... these were mere toys," announced Lt. Gen. Greg Jeffries at an afternoon press conference. "Welcome to a new era of peace. An era where dolphins with jet packs police our skies, making the world safe for freedom."
Jeffries added, "Who's the big man now, North Korea?"
Preparations are reportedly underway, with several dolphins undergoing weightlessness training. The strategic dolphin initiative, nicknamed Dolphin Delta Force, is lead by a sea lion who smokes cigars and wears an eye-patch, "for authenticity purposes. We mean business, it wasn't easy to teach a sea lion to smoke," Jeffries noted. Military planners have already decided on a dragon coupling with a burning giant squid as the identifying tattoo for the dolphins entering the program.
Once launched into orbit, the dolphins will circle the earth at 4,000 mph, using their natural sonar abilities to locate ballistic missiles after they are launched. The dolphins then will then knock the missile off course using sophisticated military-grade beach balls. Then they will do a backflip.
Plans to keep the dolphins in orbit indefinitely hinge upon the development of a chum bucket that can withstand the rigors of space.
Activist Amy Sterling of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals expressed outrage at the use of dolphins in military programs. "A fundamental piece of our humanity is lost every time we treat an animal unethically," Sterling said in a statement, "and shooting anything into space is unethical. I suggest we stop all money spent on human related problems, such as homelessness and poverty, until this atrocity, and also the circus and the consumption of eggs, can be stopped. Also, I am a very lonely 35-year-old destined to die alone, save for three cats that I dress up and treat like actual children."
While Atlantic bottlenosed dolphins have been used by the military in a variety of capacities in the past, including auditing and light housekeeping, the SDI program is the first aggressive use of the species. Pending successful testing of the SDI, the Army may greenlight its controversial program to use three-toed sloths to assassinate terrorist leaders.