Dcstandup Spring Cleaning

You know who's loud? The Japanese. Every year in Tokyo they have an international competition to find the loudest yeller, but the Japanse people always win. A woman won a few years ago a Japanese woman won with something like 115 decibels. That's the same noise level as a steel mill. I wonder if she's married ...
Actually, the Japanese win all the strange contests. Yelling, seed-spitting, hot-dog eating. Did you see the Nathan's hot dog eating contest on Coney Island? All of these 400-lb. men enter, and the winner is a 130-lb. Japanese guy who ate 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes. FIFTY hot dogs. I love hot dogs, but that's at least 4 whole rats in there.
Looking at all those contests, I think the atomic bomb is coming back to haunt us. We've created a race of atomic supermen. They have superpowers. Man, if they put an army back together ... they'd invade, eat all our hotdogs. Checkmate.
Did you know that in Japan, you can buy soiled women's underwear out of a vending machine. "Hmm ... I had chips with lunch ... trying to stay away from the chocolate ... I already have gum at my desk ... Ah! Soiled panties! DELICIOUS."

So, I have a great job. I'm a secret agent. I used to be a professional art thief, but I was captured three times, so the government said I had to work for them or go to jail. That's the hot idea in Hollywood anymore, isn't it? That's the plot of XXX, The Mod Squad. Too bad it doesn't work for all crimes. Yes, we caught you putting a camera in the ladies room for the third time, so now you have to put a camera in the women's room ... at the RUSSIAN EMBASSY!

I think it's to the point where we need to go beyond fashion police, maybe move up to fashion death squads. Teams of four or five heavily armed people, wearing berets, walking the streets ... Excuse me, sir? Are you wearing dress socks with sandals? Well, yes, I ... BLAM! Ma'am, you appear to be about 450 pounds and you're wearing stirrup stretch pants ... BLAM! Have you noticed that the stirrup pants are like the uniform for morbidly obese women? I would think at 450 pounds, if you have to add extra fastening power to one end of your pants, I'm not worrying about the end by the feet.

I'm kind of hungry. I stopped for food on the way out here at a Somalian restaurant. It's good--they start you out with this flat bread, and a kind of yogurt. And then about halfway through warlords bust in and take all your food. And shoot your waiter. So I'm still a little hungry. Saved money on the tip, though.

I have a great girlfriend. She can be a little crazy though. You know how girls can be sometimes, right? Like, just the other day she stabbed me seven times with a butter knife. I think she was on her period Now in her defense I WAS chewing loudly. Even if it was pudding.

So I saw a great ad in the newspaper the other day for men's jockey shorts. This big, Nordic guy, really ripped and smiling, and of course he's got this HUGE bulge in his underwear. And that ad worked, cause I went out and bought some socks. Actually there was an ad just below that about how 9 out of 10 women wear the wrong size bra, come in for your free fitting. Which I find that a little bit suspicious. Do you get there, and it's three guys in Star Trek shirts, cracking their knuckles ... "Time for your free fitting ... You look like a C-cup. Joe's hand is the size of a C-cup."

They say that guys want a girl just like their mothers. But where am I gonna find a quadruple amputee. They don't go to bars much. I put an ad in the City Paper, but ... How would she answer it? Quick applause ... who here is a quadruple amputee? See? No one here should be offended! Actually, I do apologize for not using the proper term. I shouldn't say quadruple amputee. They're Weeble-Americans.

I've been trying this new hobby lately, apparently a lot of the kids have been trying it ... vigilante justice. Blunt objects, berets ... there is no justice like vigilante justice. And I know, because I tried the other kinds of justice. I tried poetic justice for a while, but it's really hard to pull gangbangers off of an 80 year old woman using haiku: Hey there angry guys / Pick on someone your own size / Ahhh, not in the face. Actually, my friends and I, we're very practical vigilantes. We beat people into submission with these big bags of avocados, so when we're done we have ... delicious guacamole. Which we eat at the vigilante mixer afterwards. Seriously, though, how many cases of beer do you think you need to drink before vigilante justice starts sounding like a great idea? They many have guns, and knives! But we got a sack of doorknobs ... and spunk! And showtunes! We'll teach the U.S. government not to raise postage ... By the way, the answer is 2. 2 cases of beer.

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