Olympic Viewing Guide

by Chris White, August 10, 2004

Friday, August 13

Opening Ceremonies, 8 p.m. EST, NBC: The gloriousness and epoch-spanning awesomeness of Greek culture will be celebrated, with some laser lights, a children's choir and fat men wearing dresses. Athletes from a record 202 nations will entering the Olympic Stadium, climbing over a pile of rubble and past 400 chain-smoking Greek construction workers, who will light the Olympic torch at At 1:02 a.m. by flicking a final butt in its general direction.

Saturday, August 14

Stick Ball Round Robin, Group A, Cuba vs. Venezuela. 9:45 a.m., CNBC: The modified baseball competition (due to construction delays at baseball facilities) will take place in downtown Athens, with the assistance of several lawn chairs to block traffic. Will the devastating curve ball of Cuban right-hander Orlando Batista be negated by the switch to tennis balls? Will the power bat of Venzeulan outfielder Juan Chavez may be greatly aided by the switch to broom handles? Will either team be affected by the 32 percent carbon monoxide atmosphere of downtown Athens? And can either team hope to beat the gold-medal favorite, the Domincan Republic (Group C)?

Men's 200 mL Drug Testing, 12:15 p.m., MSNBC: Olympians attempt to pee in a cup from 3 meters. Contestants are judged on accuracy, form, and the ability to minimze splash.

Men's 100m Dash, Preliminary Heats, 2:01:00 -2:01:12 p.m., Bravo: After 38 minutes of soft-focus, music-filled video vignettes on the one American runner competing in this heat, that American will lose by a full second to someone from Eastern Europe whose wife was killed in ethnic cleansing, who has adopted 14 war orphans and has one leg, but still gets no soft-focus video.

Women's Foxy Boxing, 4 p.m., Univision: The experimental sport of Foxy Boxing makes its Olympic debut at the newly-completed Patrikios Foxy Boxing and Mud Wrestling Arena.

Should These Games Be Nude? 7 p.m., MSNBC2: A round-table discussion of the benefits and drawbacks of a traditional, naked Olympiad. Tim Russert moderates, with panelists Brian Williams, Matt LeBlanc, John McEnroe and David Lee Roth. Followed by rebroadcast of Women's Foxy Boxing.

COPS, "Naked Perps Special Edition," 9 p.m., FOX: Officers Jason Preston and Michael Pool of the Portland Police Department respond to a report of a naked man prowling the neighborhood and, when they arrive on the scene, are surprised to find the suspect wearing a pair of teeny hot-pink panties. In another segment, Officer Michael Coughlin of the Des Moines , IA , Police Department decides to investigate a suspicious vehicle that is parked in a business district and discovers a completely naked man in the back of the vehicle. During questioning, the inebriated man claims that he's just camping for the night. Listing courtesy of Fox.com

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