by Chris White, Fall 2004
With all the recent fuss over the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, many of our loyal readers want to know: what are 527 Groups and how do they affect me? So here's Dcstandup's handy-dandy guide:
While recent campaign finance laws put limitations on fundraising and spending by the official campaign organizations of candidates, loopholes in the law allow third-party groups to spend upwards of $3.1 trillion per day on advertisements advocating the re-election, defeat, or severe pummeling with blunt objects of the candidates. These "527 groups" may not have any "coordination" with the campaign of the person they are supporting. The law defines "coordination" as "phone conversations, instant messages, giving the bunt sign, smoke signals, blowin' up they pager, telepathic communication, carrier pigeons, seances, or direct hallucinatory contact in a timeless pocket dimension, as seen on 'Deep Space 9.'" The law defines "blunt objects" as "nothing sharper than an avocado."
The "527" refers to masonic initiation rite in which a neophyte, in order to gain the acceptance and backing of the brotherhood, agrees to be bludgeoned 527 times with a bag full of avocados. Should he survive the rite without dying or crying like a sissy girl, "the full riches of the Order shall be bestowed unto him, be that specie, scrip, goat-based dairy products or a 3.5-inch floppy containing the Yale alumni association mailing list." (Masonic Rites for Dummies, 1997) The order then opens the bag and enjoys delicious guacamole at the post-rite mixer that follows.
Swift Boat Veterans for Truth have been getting the most coverage in recent weeks, but several 527 Groups are actively running furious ad campaigns in battleground states: Swift Boat Veterans for Free Cheeseburgers (Ohio, pro-Bush); Angry Garbage Scow Workers for No Longer Working on Garbage Scows (Florida, pro-Kerry); Anti-War Zealots for Ignoring Fundamental Realities of Global Politics (Ohio, pro-Kerry); What Ever Happened to the Doublemint Twins (Pennsylvania, pro-Doublemint Twins); Citizens United Against Matt Lauer (Nevada, con-Lauer); George Soros for George Soros (nationwide, pro-Crazy). Ads from any of these groups could determine the future of our nation.
By law, candidates cannot "support" any 527 Group. President Bush initially declined to condemn ads by the Swift Boat Veterans, however, and Senator Kerry has been very vocally against the concept of 527 ads, unless they call President Bush a moron, liar or the preening servant of the serpent lord, in which case they're fine.
This is America, and if you have no grasp of reality and enough money, you can do anything. Contact your local masonic temple for pamphlet 32C, "When Yard Signs Just Aren't Enough."