Daytime Television Review

by Chris White, October 28, 2004

Spike TV, 12 p.m.: “Stark Trek: Deep Space 9,” Season 1, “Duet”

In this exciting episode (from 1993), a Cardassian (the former evil occupying overlords of Bajor) winds up in a DS9 holding cell, in need of medical attention – for a disease he only could have contracted while overseeing a Bajoran forced labor camp! Though he claims to be a lowly file clerk, was he involved in atrocities against the good people of Bajor? Such is the mystery facing Maj. Kira Norese, a former Bajoran terrorist who fought the Cardassian occupation and now serves as liason to the Federation-run space station. But Maj. Kira presents an interesting mystery to us, the viewers: Would we be so mad at today’s terrorists if they were hot?

Because Maj. Kira, even with her Bajoran nose ridges and Annie Lennox hairstyle, looks really hot in form-fitting orange spandex. Some acts are certainly unforgivable, but imagine the intense confusion and remorse we all would feel if al Qaeda were run by Brazilian supermodel Gisele. (And for that matter, it may well be – you never see Gisele and Ayman al-Zawahiri in the same place at the same time, is all I’m saying.) Would the moral absolutes of good and evil be torn asunder by our unquenchable desire to see the leader of al Qaeda in the Victoria’s Secret “angels” collection?

To return to Deep Space 9, do we the viewers forgive Maj. Kira’s history of bombings, murders and kidnappings in part because she’s hot? Yes, the Cardassians are jerks, but they’re also ugly; they have necks like steroid freaks, hair like televangelists and their skin is probably close to what you’d get if you broiled an acne-covered dolphin. If they looked anything like the Bajorans (who apparently had plenty of access to moisturizer and exfoliating sponges during the cruel, cruel occupation), would we be willing to at least consider their side of the story? Does physical attractiveness determine the course of the war on terror? I just don’t know.

But I do know that I was hungry, and while I was reheating half of a Tombstone 4-meat pizza, it turned out the “file clerk” is actually the cruel commander of the forced labor camp. But wait! Distressing evidence indicates that the commander of the labor camp had died six years ago, AND had never contracted the fearsome labor camp disease – so is he a file clerk or an evil slavemaster, and if he’s a file clerk, why did he admit to being a slavemaster? And more importantly, why is he sick?

Honestly, in a time where technology can deconstruct your body atom by atom and rebuild you perfectly thousands of miles away, why is there ANY disease? Can’t they just beam you somewhere, but have the computer patch up the diseased parts of your body? Earlier in the week they beamed specific cells out of Dr. Bashir’s brain to remove a foreign intelligence that had taken control of his body – and no one even seemed particularly worried that the station’s foremost medical expert wasn’t overseeing transporter-beam brain surgery. This sort of procedure is clearly covered by Starfleet insurance, but I guess that standard of health care is too good to share with the rest of the universe. Is this morally acceptable, especially in the context of the quasi-socialist Federation? Also, how can Tombstone honestly advertise a “4-Meat” pizza when there can’t be more than three specs of ham on the whole pie?

Anyhow, through a series of exciting sub-space phone calls, it turns out that the guy was actually a file clerk, but he had cosmetic surgery to look like the slavemaster, because he wanted to be executed as a way to atone for Cardassia’s sins. So he was an OK guy, but we never really get closure on the hot terrorist / ugly oppressor debate or the issue of affordable health care, and so the opportunity to stare deep into the soul of our society is lost. But a daring new front open in the closing minute, as a Bajoran roughneck stabs and kills the file clerk before he can depart the station. So, do rusty knives kill people? Or do people kill people?

Rating: 3 stars out of 5.

Yearning for day job: 1 star out of 5.

Tombstone’s “4-Meat” Pizza: 2 stars out of 5

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