Things to Do in Portland When You're Broke

by Chris White, November 15, 2004

If the travel and tourism industries had their way, we'd all be tossing around money like it was toilet paper, or rubles. But who can honestly afford the expensive museums, art galleries, souvenir sweatshirts and legal parking so prominently featured in television ads and AAA guidebooks? Those of us who don't run with the top hat and monocle crowd need to travel on a budget. My recent travels took me through Portland, Maine, a delightful city with a wealth of affordable entertainment -- provided you look hard enough.

Getting There

Portland is located 110 miles north of Boston on I-95, right next to scenic Casco Bay. It is home to more than 60,000 people, and was the birthplace of Longfellow, who acheived national recognition in 1986 as a punchline in Rodney Dangerfield's "Back to School." Its primary industries are milking hard-working tourists out of their savings, and probably fishing. If you have the time to use a razor scooter, this is the cheapest way of reaching Portland. Once you've reached the downtown / wharf area, you should be able to get around by foot. If you do not have a razor scooter or feet, then from a financial perspective it's probably not wise for you to go Portland.

Shopping: Commercial Street

Buy a refrigerator magnet in the shape of a puffin and get out clean. The moose magnet will be tempting, but it's going to run you a good $6.99 plus tax. Don't go into any other stores, budget traveler -- magnets are just fine for nostalgia purposes. Also, ask for directions to Gritty McDuff's. Cost: $4

Lunchtime: Gritty McDuff's

Bustling lunchtime crowds have enjoyed the generous portions, delicious microbrews, homey atmosphere and pleasant staff at Gritty McDuff's (one block west of the place with the magnets on Commercial Street) since 1988. Grab a seat by yourself at the bar, enjoy the seasonal IPA, and observe the locals until you get the feeling that they know you're looking at them. Then pretend to watch CNN on the TV above the bar, but keep trying to sneak looks at the girl at the bar who is very attractive, at least until her boyfriend comes back from the bathroom, because he is the kind of guy who shaves his head and looks like he enjoys beating up smart, hilarious budget travelers to compensate for his obvious feelings of sexual inadequacy. Heartily enjoy the club sandwich and fries, at least until you drop about half a bottle of Grey Poupon on your jeans, right near the crotch, which is somewhat problematic if you're planning on performing at Portland's Comedy Connection that evening. Savvy travelers can try to plant their own hair in the sandwich and demand a refund, but this WILL NOT WORK if you are the only person in the building with red hair. Cost: $18 (two beers, one club sandwich, tip)

For the Smart Set: Maine College of Art

A mere five-minute walk from the waterfront, the Maine College of Art is both school and gallery, with student artwork on display throughout the building, or at least in the hallways on the way to the restrooms. Highlights include a piece of furniture that appears to be made from antlers that is either a hat rack or a very uncomfortable chair; a series of self-portraits by a young lesbian convinced that the re-election of George Bush will land her in a concentration camp; and something made out of chickenwire and discarded hair weaves symbolizing both life and general ickyness. Visitors can also relax in the student lounge and enjoy the Bohemian camaraderie of the artists, at least until they ask you to put your camera away and "get the hell out." While traveling on a budget often precludes time-travel, those with power over space and time should visit on Friday, Nov. 12, at around 2 p.m. in order to enjoy a Brazilian Capoeira display in the main lobby. Once a lethal fighting style, capoeira now apparently consists of white guys chanting and playing strange instruments while two people re-enact the breakdance-fighting scene from "Zoolander." There is also a woman in a skin-tight Brazilian flag unitard. Admission: Free. Hours: The Maine College of Art is a 24-hour facility, as long as the crushed Fanta can stays lodged under the side door.

On the Screen: The Movies

The red canopy at 10 Exchange Street marks the entrance to the world of provocative cinema. "The Movies In the Exchange" has been in operation since 1976, with its one screen featuring an astonishing lineup of award-winning films. Many of those films have subtitles, so if you are illiterate, have the person reading this for you call ahead and check. Many of the films also have misleading titles, such as "Seducing Dr. Lewis," which features very little in the way of seduction and none of the nudity that comes with seduction, despite the smokingly hot woman on the poster AND the fact that the entire movie is in French. The hot woman is hardly even IN the film, and in fact the entire two hours is filled with overweight men with stubble. By any reasonable standard, that's grounds for a refund, but apparently not to the brain trust at The Movies, who find French-Canadian knockoffs of "The Full Monty" to be "heartwarming." Admission: $6

Snacktime: JavaNet Cafe

Need to warm up from the cold? At JavaNet Cafe (Exchange Street, one block west of The Movies), a few bucks will get you a cup of coffee and 15 minutes of computer time, and once you've figured out how to use the mouse on an iMac, you'll still have 2.5 minutes to find a photo of Teri Hatcher on a Web page that plays "Big Pimpin'" loud enough to attract the attention of the attractive college student next to you. JavaNet offers a wide range of magazines to customers, as well as enough comfortable seating to accommodate both you and two nearby men loudly identifying their overbearing mothers as the source of their addiction problems. Relax for an hour, work on a crossword and try to keep a straight face when the addict in the Red Sox knit cap tells the story about the fight he had with his mother at the flea market, which was clearly his fault. Hours: Definitely Friday from 5:30 - 7; check writing on door for more information. Cost: $4

Dinner

Those searching for an affordable dinner in downtown Portland are in for a treat: Genuardi's supermarket on West Chester Pike in Newtown Square, Pa., often sells boxes of Nature Valley Granola Bars for $2.50; if you're food shopping with your mother, she may even buy the granola bars for you. Each package of two granola bars fits easily in a jacket pocket, and can transport you anywhere from the jungles of South America (banana nut crunch) to the woodlands of New England (maple brown sugar, highly recommended for an authentic Portland experience). Casually stroll the streets as you dine, and enjoy the surprises that Portland has to offer -- for example, a sign in a nightclub window advertising a future appearance by Dylan from "Da Band". Without actually seeing the show, you can stand on a street corner and imagine for several minutes what the performance might go like, especially in the hip-hop mecca of PORTLAND, and laugh out loud in enjoyment. Laugh even harder when a passing couple sees the remnants of the Gray Poupon stain, assumes you peed your pants, and walks away quickly. You're exhausted from your $28 day, budget traveler -- head back to your car and take a nap.

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