Fairy Tales 2005

by Chris White, January 7, 2005

Hansel and Gretel 2005

In a house by the edge of the woods there lived a woodsman, his wife, and their two fat children from his first marriage. A season of great hardship befell the stock market, and because the woodsman had not diversified his portfolio (he was largely invested in rotted piles of wood), his status as a primary caregiver became a tremendous burden. And though the woodsman would willingly shoulder such a burden, his wife was distressingly self-involved, not unlike most defendants on “The People’s Court.”

Being German, she was a pragmatic woman and not of great sentiment. “Husband!” she said. “The time has come for us to choose between your porcine offspring and keeping DSL service. Tomorrow, we must go forth on a picnic in the woods, whereupon we shall stuff our children, and upon their napping, we must steal back to our cottage and never think of them again.” The woodsman, being heavily medicated and also emotionally dead inside from years of watching the local news, nodded his assent.

But unbeknownst to the parents, the two children had lain awake, and overheard the nefarious plan. “What ever shall we do?” asked Gretel, the young girl. “Do not fear, sister,” said Hansel. “I shall protect us both.”

The next day, the family drove deep into the woods, and following a picnic of Monster Thickburgers, the two obese children fell fast asleep against the trunk of an old pine tree. But upon attempting to sneak away, the woodsman and his haggardly second wife were apprehended by Agent Oladarsky of the local woods FBI bureau. For the night before, Hansel had used his cell phone (a common accessory even among the fifth-graders at Hansel’s school) to contact the local authorities and initiate an amber alert.

The children hugged Agent Oladarsky with great glee, and giddily testified against their parents just weeks later. They lived happily ever after in a crumbling government foster care system, which eventually separated the pair, sending Gretel to live with a lonely woman in the same woods in which she first lived. A paranoid schizophrenic from years of neglect, Gretel shoved the woman in an oven and looted her home before disappearing into a Fundamentalist Mormon community in the New Mexico desert. Hansel became a male prostitute and died of consumption under a bridge in Paducah. You may have seen all of this on Lifetime.

Sleeping Beauty 2005

Once upon a time, a skanky witch consumed with jealousy cursed a great and beauteous princess to an eternal slumber -- a sleep so deep that only the kiss of true love could overcome the spell. Legends of the enchantment spread throughout the city bus, and after many stops, a bold and compassionate prince was taken by the beauty of the fair maiden. He approached the sleeping lovely and pressed his lips to hers. But alas, the princess was not a "morning person," for she maced the handsome prince, kicked him several times in the abdomen, and did not even thank him for making sure she didn't sleep through her stop. The princess lived happily ever after, and the prince went home to watch John Hughes movies on DVD and wonder what had went wrong.

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