Ten Chinese New Year's Resolutions

by Chris White, February 7, 2005

The fool eats 50 Ding-Dongs and calls it dinner; the wise man chokes down Healthy Choice chicken parmesan.

I will make an effort to meet more people, so that I might better understand their collective will and then impose it upon them.

Enough smack talk – this is the year I finally invade Taiwan.

The superior general rides a stationary recumbent bike into battle at least three times a week, and varies his resistance levels to really work his hammies for a change.

I will read one book a week, specifically the Chinese knockoffs of “Harry Potter” where he meets Merlin and has sex.

Time to turn over a new leaf and stop using human wave tactics at the grocery store.

I will research the Chinese symbol for “tattoo,” then I will have it tattooed on my bicep.

Instead of avoiding confrontation all the time, I will exert more political pressure on North Korea to curb its nuclear weapons program.

No more idle dreaming: I’m going to finish my screenplay and then immediately submit it to government censors for thorough review.

This is the year my Crazy Tiger style will officially be recognized as superior to the Moody Llama style.

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