Lonlier Planet: London

by Chris White, April 28, 2005

London is a city rich with history and culture, and though its denizens speak English, they are often hard to understand. That makes London a prime destination for you, the budget traveler who wants to see the "real" Europe -- not the overdeveloped, corporate wasteland that so much of this world has become.

Accommodations

Lodging in London can be prohibitively expensive, to the point where you really won't have any leftover money to enjoy England's world-reknowned local cuisine or buy a plane ticket home. While you can always save money sharing a cot with a grabby 38-year-old Scandinavian man at a "youth" hostel, the most economical solution is to stay with My Girlfriend. This is going to take some advance planning. At least four years before your trip, start frequenting the bars that My Girlfriend sometimes visits. Once you meet her and hit it off (talk about literature and don't insult Oprah), embark on a long journey of exploration together, leaving behind the naivete and innocence of your early 20s to face the pragmatic and mundane problems that they never prepare you for in college but nonetheless will fill the rest of your lives. If at all possible, don't go see "Mamma Mia!" for your second anniversary; it's not worth the money and it's not very romantic. As your youthful aspirations and dreams fade to dying embers, My Girlfriend will move suddenly to rekindle those flames, opting to study abroad in London for one year. While you may not be overjoyed at first, support My Girlfriend in her decision, and then seven months later you'll have free access to a dorm room floor, a bathroom, and a complementary half-full bag of stale jellybeans that she "saved for you."

Getting Around

London is Europe's largest city, covering 650 square miles. Fortunately, the city is serviced by excellent public transportation, including the famous London Underground, double-decker buses, and rickshaws. Figuring out the routes can be tricky, however, so your best bet is to wander around aimlessly. In addition to being free, this has the added bonus of letting you see the "real" London - the city that is home to some of the finest industrial blight, ethnic tensions and angry poor people in Europe. These authentic experiences are what make you morally superior to other tourists, who are so content to be blinded by the glittering lights and hygiene of overblown attractions. NOTE: If you're heading home after a late night at one of London's many clubs, an excellent alternative is staggering around aimlessly until you are attacked by a poor person. Stagger on the left.

Dining Out

Dining Out: With thousands of years of history and nearly unparalleled contact with cultures spanning the globe, England has developed a unique cuisine that makes masterful use of sausages, potatoes, and earth-toned sauces. For a truly authentic British meal, find a building with the word "Arms" in the title, and enjoy a warm beer with something boiled. You may be tempted to try McDonalds, but be strong - you're above eating boring, delicious American food.

Attractions

The London Eye ( *** )     London’s most popular paid tourist attraction can be found on the South Bank of the Thames, minutes from Waterloo station and across the river from Parliament. At 400 feet, the Eye is the world’s largest “observation wheel,” offering unparalleled views of London’s flat, featureless, fog-obscured skyline at a mere $25 per ride. For a full 35 minutes, visitors can take in the sights, make pleasant conversation with the mother whose baby soiled itself five minutes into the ride, and watch a paying customer spend the entire ride text-messaging. Erected in 2000 as part of London’s millennial celebration, the Eye serves as a stark reminder of the astonishing progress of amusement park technology in the last 1,000 years. The site of the wheel is rich in history; during the 14th century the location was home to Six Flags Over A Pile of Disease-Ridden Corpses, and archeologists have also found ruins believed to be the foundations of William the Conqueror’s fabled Norman Funderland and SplashSlide Kingdom. Improvements on the site will continue through 2015 with the scheduled opening of a swinging pirate ship the size of the HMS Golden Hind, as well as significant rechanneling of the Thames to create the world’s largest log flume.

The British Museum ( ***** )     Considered one of the cultural crown jewels of England, the British Museum stands as a stunning monument of man’s astonishing achievements in the field of looting. Highlights include the Egyptian collection, with the famed gold fillings, money clip and chariot rims of King Ramses II, and the Parthenon marbles, which the museum purchased from a Greenwich pawn shop in 1806 after Lord Elgin unloaded them to help feed an opium addiction. Visitors should also be sure to see the famed Rosetta Stone, which allowed scholars to determine that hieroglyphics were mostly penis-enlargement ads and motivational workplace posters for the afterlife (“There is no I in ‘Bow Before Set, Lord of the Underworld’”). While many countries dispute England’s legal ownership of the artifacts displayed in the British Museum, in 1985 Parliament generously offered to return items to any nation “that thinks it can come over here and get them. Go ahead. Please try. We’d love for you to try.” Arms and chipped heads that could not be matched to any particular statue can be purchased in the excellent gift shop.

The Royal Observatory ( **** )     Overlooking the river Thames from a high hilltop in Greenwich, the Royal Observatory is home to "Grennwich Standard Time" and marks the exact location from which the prime meridian is measured. The observatory itself serves as a museum to the quest to accurately measure longitude, a problem that was eventually solved through the decades-long development of extraordinarily sophisticated timepieces, all of which are less accurate than the watches you can now get in a Happy Meal. This navigational breakthrough ensured England's utter dominance in the boardgame "Ubi" and geography bees for centuries. Visitors will want to see the observatory's rooftop "Time Ball," which was raised at 12:58 each day, then dropped at 1 p.m. so ship captains on the river could set their watches. Due to the ravages of age, the ball has now dropped permanently. Those patient enough to wait on the meridian will often be rewarded with exciting high-speed chases, with Western Hemisphere law enforcement officials stomping on their hats in frustration as international jewel thieves cross into the Eastern Hemisphere and out of their jurisdiction. They will then yell "Dad gummit."

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