The Worst Man

by Chris White, June 3, 2005

Hey everybody. If I could have your attention?

Wow, I mean … just wow. It’s just a real honor to me that Steve and Melissa would give me the honor of being here. And … well, wow.

I remember when Steve first called me, like five years ago, and he said, “Hey man, there’s a girl, and I really think she’s pretty cool, and I think we’ll be around this weekend so I really want you to meet her.”

And I was like, “What’s her name, man?” And he’s like, “Her name is Cindy. And she’s a stripper.”

No man, I’m totally kidding. I mean, not about Cindy. Steve really did date a stripper named Cindy, but that was like, years ago. And – well, I did meet Cindy, actually. I remember I was in town on some consulting thing and Steve said we’re totally going to the Gold Club. So it’s me, him and some guy from Steve’s office, and we get in for the floor show and then I guess this guy from Steve’s office – actually he’s here tonight, wave to everybody Roger! – I guess Roger was feeling a little lonely so he springs for us to get a private room in the back. And this chick comes in wearing some cowboy getup and I had never SEEN anything quite like that before, and while she’s doing her thing with Roger – don’t blush man, she was HOT! – I make a bet to Steve that he can’t get her number. And he’s like, $50 says I get her to go out with me. I took that in a second because there’s NO WAY, right? But I guess I forgot about how smooth Steve was in college, because she comes over and before he’s done with the lap dance – that didn’t take too long, did it Steve! Ha ha – he’s got her digits.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to say that’s how me and Steve met, we were in Delta Tau Delta together in the same pledge class up at State. There were a lot of guys, but I remember we were all pledges, and they blindfolded us and tied us up put us in the back of this van wearing, like, jockey shorts, and they start driving. Nobody can see nobody, but this one guy starts flipping out and screaming how he’s scared of the dark and he thinks he’s gonna die. And then the guy next to me just screams, “Shut up you little homo!” And we all start laughing, so I start joking to the guy next to me, and when they let us out of the van and take off the blindfolds I see it’s Steve. And we’re at a lake in the middle of the night, and the guys give us all these long candles, so then … oh, whoa, can’t tell that story with kids here, right? Hah, sorry about that. Maybe when you’re older, little guys.

But where was I? Oh, Steve was so smooth in college. Well, I should say, he got with a lot of different girls, right man? I don’t think you still count as smooth when you’re willing to settle for uggos the way Steve used to, am I right buddy? We didn’t have to fight over Steve’s leftovers, because after you eat scrapple, what’s left? No, I’m just playing with you bro, and … not that Melissa … that was just college, is all. But we were best friends from that day forward. And it’s funny about Cindy, that stripper … after we leave the club we go to get some coffee, because Steve was driving and he’d already had like five martinis. And I just do want to take a sec to say that I think it’s totally cool that Steve doesn’t drink anymore, and that the program really worked and helped him get things back together. It’s also totally cool that he still had an open bar at his wedding, huh? But I guess we can thank Melissa’s parents for that, so let’s raise a glass, OK?

But anyway we’re in this coffee shop and that’s where we run into Melissa for the first time. She was totally different back then with all these piercings and stuff. Just totally hot, sitting there in the corner with her laptop, but I could have sworn from looking at her that she had to be gay. And Steve has already got his hookup for the night, so he bets me $50 that I can’t get the lesbo in the corner to go out with me. Long story short, we go to a bar and buy some shots and I ended up making out with Melissa a little bit on like, a park bench or something that night, but I take a taxi back to my hotel because I have an early meeting and Steve ends up driving her home. Before she gets out of his car, though, she just pukes all over his front seat. Now, if that was me, game over. Right? But I don’t know, Steve was totally cool about it. I guess he just cleans her up and helps her inside. Same thing in college, he just could never not help a drunk girl out. Depending on what you mean by “help.” Right, buddy?

So Steve and Melissa became totally best friends. A year later that Cindy girl just totally flipped out and knifed up Steve’s car, so when that ended he started dating Melissa. So you’ve got me to thank for this one buddy! Don’t forget.

I just want to say that it means so much to me that they asked me to do this, because I’ve just known them both for the whole time they’ve been together. Through all the good times, and even through the bad times and the late-night phone calls, like that first pregnancy scare, when I totally thought they weren’t gonna make it through, but when you’re a good couple you work things like that out and … oh, we’re not talking about that? Oh my god, I’m so sorry, man. Hey, it was just a joke anyway, people!

Yeah. But, I just know that they’re going to be totally great for each other. I don’t know how people do it, because me, I still like playing the field. I do know that Steve seems to be pretty happy about this, though, and that’s all I need to know. He used to talk so much about finding the perfect girl, you know, someone who would help him start a record label, and want to do all of that adventure travel stuff that he likes, and just totally be okay with not having kids. And me and Skeeter – there’s the man – we used to tell him to stop worrying about it, but he didn’t listen and it made him so down that’s when he did all the really bad drinking. It just really makes me happy to see that he calmed down a bit and let a lot of that stuff go.

Anyhow, here’s to the newlyweds, and I hope once they move out of Melissa’s parents’ house, they’ll still have me over from time to time. Don’t go changing, you guys.

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