by Chris White, July 27, 2005
The following is the introduction to a possible book project -- a guidebook to the world of unemployment. If you have any suggestions for future chapters (or comments on this introduction), please e-mail your feedback to chris@dcstandup.com.
Welcome to the world of unemployment!
If you’re reading this book, then you have decided to embark on a wonderful journey of self-exploration. You want to be freed from the many tyrannies of the working world: oppressive scheduling, soul-crushing busywork, and near-mandatory daily bathing. You want to leave behind the salt mines of materialistic toil and go to work in the diamond mines of personal fulfillment, where the only 300-pound, hood-wearing foreman lashing you with a leather strap is none other than Y-O-U.
You’re in good company. Around the world, millions of bright, motivated people are waking up to the fast-paced world of unemployment – and slapping their foreheads when they realize what they’ve been missing all these years. Just close your eyes and listen to the new pulse of our nation: This futon is comfortable! … slap! … I haven’t shaved in 15 days … slap! …. Canned food really IS better than fresh … Slap!
There are those who will frown upon your choice – who will tell you that you are a “festering cancer in the bowels of humanity” and that you must “start paying rent or move out of the basement.” But all revolutionaries have encountered strong resistance to their chosen way of life. George Washington didn’t give up. George Jefferson didn’t give up. Boy George didn’t give up. And by George, neither will you. Get ready to be unemployed!
“Unemployment,” wrote Voltaire (Bill Voltaire of New Brunswick, NJ), “is the natural order.”
Nearly every creation myth around the globe begins with man in an idyllic, jobless state. Adam and Eve, for example, seldom woke up before 1 p.m., once they had wrapped up with naming things and the sex had gotten routine. All of human history, ironically, is an epic struggle to return to that state.
Every man, woman and child from the Stone Age had to work frantically to ensure the mere survival of the species, advances in technology have gradually freed the masses from the need for mandatory labor.
The development of farming allowed the few to feed the many. Suddenly without work, the bulk of humanity occupied itself with other pursuits: art, smashing people in the face with pointy rocks, and corporate accounting.
But progress has continued its inevitable march, and even those pursuits have been usurped by technology. Today, eighty percent of the world’s music, movies and paintings are generated by a single computer in Kyoto, Japan. The United States can invade and occupy any large country overnight using robots and two Marines particularly good at video games. Corporate accounting is done entirely by genetically engineered lemurs.
Experts predict that by 2040, every worker in the United States will be replaced by a robot or an immigrant making $0.63 an hour. In 2093, those robots and immigrants will be forced from their jobs by a time-traveling cybernetic Mexican named Jose 3000.
At that point, the natural order will be fulfilled. Remember: humanity yearns to be unemployed. By taking that step now, you are in the vanguard. And don’t let anyone tell you differently.
Yes! It might not be easy. Employment can be like a bad cough – painful, wet and lingering. But don’t give up. With hard work and perseverance, you can join the ranks of the unemployed within days. Don’t stop believing in yourself, and remember, ingenuity is your best friend. Consider these proactive strategies:
If you work for the government: None of these activities will get you fired if you work for a federal, state or local government. To achieve unemployment, you will have to call in sick, only to show up at the office, have three-way sex with your supervisor’s spouse and an underage robot on your supervisor’s desk, and then fall asleep on that desk with a pile of petty cash for a pillow. When discovered by your supervisor, you will either be fired pending seven months of paperwork or promoted.
If you have any feedback on this intro, please e-mail chris@dcstandup.com. Should Chris get off his lazy, unemployed butt and write more chapters, we'll post them right here.