Park It

The purpose of this piece is to convince you, the American citizen, to encourage the federal government to charter a corporation whose sole purpose is to create a market for the buying and selling of Parking Space securities.

Yes, you read (left to) right, a market for the buying and selling of Parking Space securities.

OK, I know what a lot of you are saying, "What is Kevin Federline going to do without Britney Spears?" But after that, I know a lot of you are asking, "What is a parking space Security, and why do we need a market for it?"

First, let's define our terms, because god knows that there is nothing else that they are good for. "Parking" comes from the Greek word, "Parkos", which means, "One who searches for a place to lie", or, literally, "A loser".

Space comes from the Latin words, "Spacare", meaning "to move around" and "Ece", or, "a place". So when a Latin said, "Spacare Ece", he would be saying, roughly, "I need a place to move around @#$%@%, so get out of my way" (pardon my French, I mean, Latin).

"Security" has a very complicated linguistical history, so complicated, in fact, that I've decided to make one up. The word "security" (with quotes) comes from the Italian word Securitatas (without quotes). When used in a sentence, it's usually followed by a vulgar whistling sound, and possibly a slap across an Italian man's face.

Security therefore means, "something that I would like to be a part of". When taken together, a parking Space security is "A place you would like to be a part of to move something into", which in this case, would be your car.

Which begs the question (though I am not one to beg), "Do we really need a market for Parking space securities?" To which I say, "Does the Pope sometimes say the wrong thing?"

Yes, we need a market for parking space securities! People are driving cars to work, to home, to basketball games (though not as much as they use to), all over this country, and you know what? They're having a problem finding a place to park them! I live in Washington DC, and you can't sneeze in your car without facing up to a "No Parking" sign, or a "Parking Meter".

You see, parking spaces are essential to America. Having a place to park your car means access to jobs, housing, family, anything. Let's face it, if you don't have a parking space, it probably means you don't have a car, and if you don't have a car, you probably don't have a job. At least you probably don't deserve to have a job. Having a car is American, and every American, therefore, deserves a place to park their car.

That's where a governmentally chartered company would come into play. And it would work something like this:

The company would buy individual parking spaces from local governments, public companies, and private individuals. The company would then package these spaces into securities, and sell them to major companies, apartment complexes, and private individuals. The company would then use this money to buy more parking spaces, thereby creating a continuous flow of funds to build and supply parking spaces for Investors and the General Public.

Here's an example. Let's say Company A, owned by Vito Tortellini (better known as company, Aaaaaaiii) builds a parking lot. Now let's say Vince blew his entire bankroll on this parking lot, but he's not making enough money off of the parking lot to pay off his gambling debts and build another parking lot, which is in demand in his neighborhood. That's where the governmentally charted company, The Very American Parking Lot Enablers of the US, better known as The Valets, would come in. They would buy the parking lot from Vito, who would in turn pay off his gambling debts and build a new parking lot.

The Valets would then take that Parking Lot, combine it with other Parking Lots that they have purchased, and create a Parking Space security which they would make available to Investors to invest in, since investing is what they do best.

The monthly parking fee for using the parking spaces would provide the Investors (and The Valets, which would "skim" off the top a portion of the monthly fees for their own purposes) with a steady stream of income, which The Valets would use to buy other parking spaces, and so on and so on and so on.

Pretty soon, every car will have its own parking space, and The Valets would no longer have any parking spaces to buy, begin losing money, and go out of business, like every other successful American company.

So please, next time you are thinking about writing your congressman, or inviting someone to become you friend on you're MySpace… space, be sure to remember those little people out there, those with cars but no parking space, or worse yet, those big people out there with small cars and no small friends, and encourage them to support The Valets, because everybody deserves a place to park their car (with or without tipping big).