Baskercise

I've got another scoop for DCStandup.com. My friend, Tony Lombard, the world-class professional athlete impersonator, is coming out with is own line of fitness videos. They are sure to be a hit! Below, before it hits the presses, is an excerpt from an article Tony wrote for Men's Magazine, introducing his new fitness regime.

Baskercise By Tony Lombard

... but as always, I outran the elephant and won the race. Which takes me to the purpose of my article in the first place. But before I get started, can I say you're looking good? But to add to that, can I say, that you can look better? Yes, even better?

In my many years of impersonating professional athletes, I've learned a few things, all of which escapes me at the moment, but one thing I do know, is that professional athletes make a lot of money. In matter of fact, there is so much money in professional sports, that even the amateur athletes make a lot of money (An example of the Trickle Down Theory: once the professionals started making a lot of money, you knew the amateurs were going to make a lot of money, because they needed some justification to stay amateurs).

As an impersonator, I and my many fans (also known as professional athlete impersonator impersonators) were missing out on this bonanza, mostly because we were not considered real professional athletes, but as, well, impersonators. Sure, we always looked good, but we weren't getting the agents to sign us to contracts to negotiate with owners to sign us to contracts with big bucks. Which goes to show, looking good isn't everything, it's only half the thing, with agents getting the other half.

So I was stuck, living a glamorous life impersonating professional athletes by day, while on other days making a living filling in for people who were going on maternity leave, or working as the short term help in the shoe department during the Christmas holidays, or working as an extra for the latest Green Day music video.

When one day, as I was getting ready to impersonate a professional baseball player at the Washington Nationals Spring Training site (What, a double entendre you say?) it hit me, a baseball, hard under the chin, which led to my idea, an exercise video! What better way to turn my ability to impersonate professional athletes into a worldwide money making machine!

All I needed was a good idea. Not a great idea, but I good idea. So I took my favorite sport (basketball) and my favorite hobby (drinking), and combined it with the whole purpose for watching an exercise video in the first place, Exercise! So I came up with, Baskercise!

What is Baskercise you say? Really, are you serious, did you ask that? It's simple. You take a basketball (not the imitations they introduced to the NBA this year, but the good, leather balls, the ones made from elephants), go to an even piece of ground, preferably cement (only if there are no cars to run you over, as I have no insurance) or wood, and start dribbling.

Yeah, dribble to the left, dribble to the right, dribble up, and then dribble down (but carefully, you still want to look good). Dribble for 20 minutes, adding 20 minutes every day, until you're dribbling everyday and begin showing up late for work so that a Temp like me can begin doing your job and take over once you get fired. Heck, you can even play some music in the background.

I can't tell you anymore, as it would give the video away (which I may be doing if I can't unload the 100,000 copies I made off a bank loan I signed my uncle's name to. Hope he isn't planning to come back from Europe soon)…

… in conclusion: I've learned a few lessons in life, one of which is that I need to make a living, another of which, when not at work, people like to exercise, which makes a perfect lead into the next big thing, Baskercise, the perfect way to stay in shape without giving people other than me alot of money. Don't exercise away from home without it!