Eastern Conference Preview
Dr. Anthony DiNardo graduated from the University of 39th street with a Ph.D. in Linguistics. His seminal work, The Pidgeon English of Urban Gambling, is quoted often in today's scholarly works.
Dr. DiNardo is now retired and living in a cave in the Dolomites Mountain. Though isolated from society, Dr. DiNardo is an avid basketball fan, and lives with a cable hook up and wi-fi internet so he can follow the games.
As many people know, Dr. DiNardo has successfully predicted 23 of the last 25 NBA champions. The only two he missed were the Houston Rocket championships after Jordan's first retirement, which he attributed to a fit of depression he suffered from the breakup of his beloved Bulls.
I happen to have an uncle who has a friend whose cousin knows the guy who delivers Dr. DiNardo's weekly groceries to his cave. I was able to get his unpublished predictions for 2006-07. Here are the Eastern Conference predictions.
1. Chicago
Call me a homer, but adding Ben Wallace, PJ Brown, and future Rookie of the Year Tyrus Thomas to a team that played Miami so well in last year's playoffs means a first place finish in the Eastern Conference. Then, after the league forgets that Chicago got the Knicks first round draft pick in the century's worst trade, Chicago gets the first pick of the 2007 draft after the league tried to rig a victory for the Knicks (as they did with the Patrick Ewing pick many years ago). Finally, remember the name: Viktor Khryapa.
2. Cleveland
LaBron becomes the first to average a triple double, but Cleveland loses in the first round when the opposing team quadrouble teams him, and Eric Snow, Larry Hughes, and Damon Jones go a combined 0 for 50 from the field.
3. New Jersey
The New Jersey starting 5 set a record, becoming the first starting five to finish 1 through 5 in minutes played for the year in one season.
4. Miami
Miami stubbles to a third place finish, as Dwayne Wade physically has to carry his teammates down the court to set picks and screens for him on offense. Shaq misses the first game of the playoffs when his police escort drops him off at the wrong stadium.
5. Detroit
Rasheed Wallace sets a record for most ejections in a season. Chauncy Billups, announcing he is opting out of his contract to become a free agent in 2007-08, says, "I know Ben Wallace, Ben Wallace is a friend of mine, Nazr Mohammed is no Ben Wallace."
6. Indiana
Indiana's talented starting five have a great year, but miss the first round of the playoffs attending various court trials.
7. Orlando
Dwight Howard begins to establish himself as "The Man" and leads Orlando to the playoffs and an upset of Cleveland, taunting LaBron along the way, "I was better than you coming out of high school, and I would have been better than you in college, if we had played after the ruling that requires high school graduates to play a year in college before declaring for the draft!"
8. Washington
Gilbert Arenas fails a drug test when the results show him to be a cyborg. Wizards go the whole year without out-rebounding any of their opponents, but still make the playoffs because Antawn, Gilbert, and Caron take 90% of the teams shots, and shoot 60% from the field.
9. Philadelphia
Allen Iverson and Chris Webber, after realizing that they each have one good arm and one good leg left, give one up for the team, and let doctors join them at the hips and play as one player, saving the Sixers from a disastrous season.
10. New York
They have to wait for the best player on the team, Jared Jeffries, to return from the disabled list before making a run for the playoffs.
11. Milwaukee
Loses its momentum after several winning years because they never offered a contract to their secret weapon and team fireplug, former Bulls great Toni Kukoc.
12. Toronto
Attempts to put into place a Phoenix Suns type offense, but forgets a missing piece: Steve Nash.
13. Charlotte
Begins to show some life, as Adam Morrison wins the sixth man award and Michael Jordan hires a psychic at an attempt to channel himself into the body of Gerald Wallace.
14. Atlanta
Saves cap space to sign Chauncy Billups in the offseason, who, with Joe Johnson, will form the most expensive backcourt in the history of the NBA, making them the envy of most third world countries.
15. Boston
Fails miserably with their youth movement, as a season dedicated to the legacy of Red Aurebach, turns from the image of him lighting cigars, to fans lighting effigies of current Celtic players.
