Dr. Anthony DiNardo graduated from the University of 39th street with a Ph.D. in Linguistics. His seminal work, The Pidgeon English of Urban Gambling, is quoted often in today's scholarly works.
Dr. DiNardo is now retired and living in a cave in the Dolomites Mountain. Though isolated from society, Dr. DiNardo is an avid basketball fan, and lives with a cable hook up and wi-fi internet so he can follow the games.
As many people know, Dr. DiNardo has successfully predicted 23 of the last 25 NBA champions. The only two he missed were the Houston Rocket championships after Jordan's first retirement, which he attributed to a fit of depression he suffered from the breakup of his beloved Bulls.
I happen to have an uncle who has a friend whose cousin knows the guy who delivers Dr. DiNardo's weekly groceries to his cave. I was able to get his unpublished predictions for 2006-07. Here are the Western Conference predictions.
1. San Antonio
With the world on the break of world war over the conflicts in the Mideast and the North Korean crisis, San Antonio replaces Bruce Bowen in the starting lineup with Beno Udrih, then adopt the motto, "This one's for the United Nations!", and become the first team to win an NBA championship with 5 foreign born players in the starting lineup.
2. Phoenix
In a game against the Lakers, the Suns become the first team to have 5 starting players who are all shorter than the shortest player on the opposing team (6' 3"). With the return of Amare Stoudemire, they end the season shooting 95% from the field, and give the Spurs a run for the title.
3. Houston
Houston finally has a full year of Yao Ming and Tracy McGrady, and point guard Vassilis Spanoulis wins the sixth man award, as he spends the season taunting all the NBA stars he beat at the World Championships as part of the Greece National team, "Hey LaBron/Carmelo/Dwayne, how many Americans does it take to win a World Championship? It's hard to tell, since the only ones that can are retired…"
4. Dallas
Jason Terry finally shows his true colors after signing a long term contract, Dirk gets tired after spending the summer carrying the German National Team, and Jerry Stackhouse becomes the team's highest scorer, and we know that can't be good.
5. Utah
Jerry Sloan, a native of McLeansboro, Illinois, decides to win coach of the year honors the hard way, by trading for Brian Cook and Luther Head, and then, along with Dee Brown, Deron Williams, and Roger Powell, starting the first all University of Illinois alumni starting lineup. When asked why he did it, Sloan was quoted as saying, "Because I can."
6. Sacramento
After writing and producing the "NBA playoff shuffle" rap, Ron Artest leads the Kings to the playoffs, only to be suspended for the entire playoffs for punching Kobe Bryant the last game of the year because, "I just couldn't keep it in any longer."
7. NO/Oklahoma City
Chris Paul wins the MVP award leading New Orleans/Oklahoma City to the playoffs for the first time, thereby igniting a street war between gangs of advertisers in New Orleans and Oklahoma City as they fight to become the permanent home for the team.
8. Golden State
After finally adapting to Don Nelson's style of play, Golden State makes the playoffs to, of course, lose in the first round of the playoffs because of how well they adapted to Don Nelson's style of play.
9. LA Clippers
Succumbing to the Jerry Krause curse ("Elton Brand can never lead a team to a championship"), the Clippers choke and not make the playoffs, in spite of Elton Brand averaging 20 points and 20 rebounds a game, and averaging 47 minutes a game.
10. Denver
Denver becomes the worst defensive team in the history of the NBA, and either win or lose all their games on last second shots either missed or made by Carmelo Anthony, who admits at the end of the year that he did his best to get the games to the point where his last second shot would either win or lose the game.
11. Seattle
Seattle signs an agreement with the FIBA to draft 7-foot centers each of the next 5 years in an effort to create an entire 8-man rotation made up of 7-foot foreign players. In the meantime, Ray Allen does his best to set another 3-point shooting record and win some games for the Supersonics.
12. Minnesota
Kevin Garnett literally plays his #$%^@*& off in a game, which requires surgery to repair. Following the operation, he undergoes a conversion to Catholicism, becomes a monk, and returns the next game to lead the Timberwolves to victory.
13. LA Lakers
Kobe continues to get hurt on his drives to the basket, because, let's face it, he ain't no Jordan, and the Lakers crumble as Chris Mihm and Kwame Brown decide to quit basketball and found an organization devoted to people who have unique letter combinations in their names, such as "hm" and "kw".
14. Portland
Portland becomes the first team in NBA history to quietly finish their season never being mentioned in any sports talk show programs, as management does its best to help the fans forget about the team's recent history with the motto, "Hey, at least the players proved that the legal system works!"
15. Memphis
After losing a request to just forfeit all their games, Memphis finishes with the worst record in the league, waiting for Pau Gasol to return from his broken foot.