I have a cousin, his name is Jimmy Tortellini, who heard about the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who wrote a letter addressed to the American people and thought to himself, "Why should he have all the fun? I, too, would like to write a letter addressed to the American people."
So he wrote a letter, and I promised him I would send it along to DCStandup.com in case they wanted to publish it for him.
He doesn't always get his facts right. I tried to help him with it, but all he did was call me an "atheist scum", and ran out of the room, so I am sending it along unedited.
Dear Zionist (not sure what that means, but you know who you are) Scum,
America, we have alot in common. For the most part, we were both born in America, except for a few non-English speaking people here or there, which don't matter to me, because since they can't speak English, they wouldn't be able to read this letter anyway.
We both love sports, though after the weekend I had last week in the office pool, not as much as I did before.
And, of course, we both love to jump from behind bushes and scare dog owners walking their dogs (OK, maybe that's just me).
What I'm trying to say is, we've come along way, you and I, the past 200 years or so. We've abolished slavery, broken down the cultural and religious barriers that divided our country, and elected a female president.
But there is so much more we can do.
For the next 2 years, or until we vote for a new president, I think we should focus on the following three items:
1) Lower my monthly rent. How am I supposed to keep buying lottery tickets if you keep raising my rent each year? Can't I get a rent "ceiling" or something, so I can retire to a life of the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien and frozen jello pops for dessert?
2) Pave over a few more parks so I have more parking spaces to park my car. I mean, come on, how many blocks do I need to walk to get to my building because the only available parking space at 2 am is at the end of a dead end street leading to Rock Creek Park? I mean, do we really need Rock Creek Park? My car is only going to get broken into on a dark, dead end street, causing me to bother the police to file another crime report that will inflate their yearly reports they send to the FBI, and who wants that anyway? "Pave over the park and reduce crime" I say.
3) Could we either legalize marijuana, or make smoking cigarettes illegal? Which is it going to be peoples? You can't have your cake and eat it to, it's either one or the other peoples, but not both.
In conclusion, to all you fair minded American people out there, that believe that government can, um, govern, without coercion or making us watch the NBC Nightly News, I say let's unite, for my causes, because I certainly wouldn't bend a finger to help with any of yours.
Thank you, and goodnight.