Code of Conduct

I have an uncle that has been doing standup for 152 years, and in his time, he's learned a lot about the standup comedy business. He sent me something that he wanted to share with the DC standup community, so here it is:

It has been said that a true artist needs to develop his own moral code, unless of course he's really a she, in which case he's got bigger problems to worry about.

You see this premise in the celebrity world, with Tom Cruise becoming a Scientologist (not to be confused with a Biologist, who are people who research the development of drugs that do nothing to help people) and Madonna adopting the kabala, lala, kabola, kobona, bona, Kabbalah, moral code (among other things).

You look at this and think to yourself, those Scientology guys got quite a racket going, don't they? Then you think to yourself, what makes them so much better than me that they can adopt a new moral code and I can't? Heck, I can make things up just as good or gooder than they can, can't I?!

Then you look at your watch, and notice that it's time for lunch. But when you're done with lunch, you decide to start looking for a new moral code, but where in the heck are you going to find yourself a new moral code at this time of the day?

So of course, since you're at work, you look on Ebay, but give up after spending all your money buying vintage ABBA records, then after work you drop by Walmart, where, surprising, or not surprisingly, you find that they have no moral code.

Well, look no further, because I can, free of charge, provide you with the steps for creating your own moral code. Feel free to use it, it's yours, forget about me, I'll be OK, I like standing outside in the cold, no more food for me ...

All you need to do is follow these 10 easy steps. There were 25 of them, but then I said to myself (a habit I need to break), "If you're going to have 25, why not keep going and include all the steps from Division I? Or better yet, why not institute a playoff system, and be done with it? Having 25 sort of diminishes the accomplishments of the Top Ten, doesn't it? I mean, Boise State was undefeated this year. If they could beat Oklahoma, who's to say they couldn't have won it all? Ohio State turned out to be not that great, didn't they?

OK, back to the steps:

1) Be creative. If you love penguins, then worship penguins. Send them a card, write them a poem, put them on a pedestal... heck, it might be the first time they get to look over your head. Nothing's sacred (at least not until it becomes part of your moral code, in which case it does become sacred, for your moral code).

2) Don't be afraid to ask for money. Churches don't build themselves after all.

3) Exercise. Because it's good for you.

4) Attend as many Happy Hours as you can, because that's the best place to pick up... followers. It's the beer goggle syndrome, any moral code looks good with a few quarter (quarter, who am I kidding, they are dollar beers these days! "Yeah, I'll buy your bucket of Buds, if you let me keep the bucket!") beers in you.

5) Bet on sports, because it keeps things in perspective. Just don't bet on moral codes, or you'll never make it into the moral code Hall of Fame.

6) Exercise, because it's good for you.

7) Don't "put up or shut up". I say "put up *and* shut up", just to be different. And because you'll be shutting up, no one will know that you are putting up, so it will be our own dirty little "secret".

8) Stop putting stuff in "quotations", it gets annoying after awhile.

9) Make Bill Clinton one of your saints. Just because you can.

10) And finally, forget about the holy water, incense, and fasting, they aren't heathly. Be easy on yourself. Require smoothies and Britney Spears' perfume, or better yet, require Britney Spears. She'd make a better god than a penguin would.