NBA Second Half Preview
With the NBA season at its midpoint, it's time to review the current state of the league and make some predictions for the second half:
1. New Jersey: In a show of team unity, the entire team divorces from their spouses and begins a weekly singles group called, "The scorer's table".
2. The good news: Toronto wins the division. The bad news: Toronto wins the division while 10 games under .500, and loses a chance to earn a lottery pick in one of the best drafts ever.
3. New York buys out Steve Francis' contract, and Isiah Thomas replaces him on the roster with retired hockey player Dave "The Hammer" Schultz, who holds the NHL record for most penalty minutes in a single season at 472. Dave's sole purpose is to work over the other team's high scorer whenever the Knicks are being blown out by more than 20 points at the Garden.
4. The Boston Celtics decide to apply for membership in the Big East Conference to give their players some Division I college experience.
5. Philadelphia invites Greg Odeon to training camp in anticipation of next year's draft.
6. Flip Saunders, in effort to take advantage of the skills of latest addition Chris Webber, develops a new offense where all 5 players pull up before the free throw line to set picks, screens, and take jumpers from the top of the circle.
7. Cleveland management, with one of the quickest, fastest, and exciting players in the NBA, decides that they haven't done enough to create a team completely opposite to this player's skills, so that they decide to fire Mike Brown and hire former football coach Jim Mora to be their new head coach.
8. Scott Skiles so ingrains his team with his coaching philosophy that the team stops communicating to each other verbally, and instead begins communicating with each other through mental telepathy.
9. Larry Bird and Kevin McHale, frustrated with salary cap restrictions and the performance of their teams, decide to orchestrate a trade for themselves, with Larry Bird going to Minnesota for Kevin McHale and a first round draft pick
10. Gilbert Arenas is charged with a conflict of interest by the SEC after it is found that he owns thousands of shares of Taco Bell stock after scoring 3 straight 3 pointers at the end of a home blow out win of the Boston Celtics, just so the team can score 100 points so the crowd could use their tickets to buy 2 for 1 tacos at Taco Bell.
11. Orlando forfeits the first round of the playoffs because no one in Orlando notices that they made it to the playoffs and sets up the arena for them to play in.
12. Pat Riley decides not to return and hires Dwyane Wade to be his replacement as Miami Heat's new player/coach. After the season, Dwyane puts his hat in the ring for the Democratic presidential campaign.
13. Michael Jordan calls Doug Collins and says, "I need you" Doug then proceeds to coach Charlotte to the first round of the playoffs, and is then fired during the offseason and replaced with Larry Brown to take the team to the "next level."
14. In a sign of solidarity to Josh Smith, who was fined $25,000 this week for giving the Charlotte crowd obscene gestures after being ejected from a game, the fans at a Hawks' home game gives the Atlanta team the finger after a blow out loss to the Detroit Pistons. At least they said it was a sign of solidarity.
15. The Denver Nuggets team bench watches in horror as George Karl decides to flip a coin to see who will take the last second shot in a game against Phoenix, only to hear both AI and Carmelo yell "Tails" as the coin is in the air.
16. In order to recoup some of their financial losses tied to the long term contract they gave Zach Randolph, Portland begins to implement unique fines, such as a $1,000 fine for every point scored in the paint while being double teamed.
17. After leading Phoenix to the championship, Steve Nash turns his sites towards bringing peace to the Mideast and solving the problem of world hunger.
18. Kobe Bryant is so taken in by the teaches of the Zen master, that he creates his own cult and begins going door to door selling Phil Jackson's book, "Sacred Hoops". When asked to comment, Phil says, "Huh, what, oh, OK, he'll worship his way out of it. Where's Luke Walton with my coffee?"
19. Don Nelson convinces GM Chris Mullins to replace the entire front office with a bunch of people he use to drink with at this little Hawaiian bar he use to hang out at.
20. Dallas, San Antonio, and Houston decide to break from the NBA and create their own Texas Basketball League and play all their games as pay per view. Their first pay per view: The cage match in the Alamo
21. Due to their many team injuries, the NO/Oklahoma City Hornets and the Milwaukee Bucks decide to combine themselves into the New Orleans/Oklahoma City/Milwaukee Bucks/Hornets
22. Pau Gasol takes a hammer and breaks his other foot to avoid playing with the Grizzlies for the rest of the season.
