Welcome to Planet Mirth
by Doug Hecox, Sept. 8, 2004
Those who know me know how much I love wackos. The absolute over-the-top wackos whose workaday wackiness keeps the monotony of life in check. I like the crazy people who wander around, muttering to themselves and who occasionally glance up at you but never stop jabbering. I like the people who not only buy the National Enquirer, the Weekly World News and other supermarket tabloids but those who subscribe to them. When you need news about children born with bat wings or antique airplanes on the Moon so bad that you need a subscription to it, that's funny. That is what I call wacky.
Imagine my delight, then, to read of a bank robbery in Aiken, S.C., in which the robber held up the bank with a pitchfork. And not just any pitchfork, either. A 4-foot-long RUSTY pitchfork. "Give me all your money," one might have yelled, "or I'll give you lockjaw!"
According to the Associated Press, a man -- wearing sunglasses and a mask -- entered Aiken's Security Federal Bank the morning of Sept. 7, 2004, and threatened employees with a 4-foot-long pitchfork. He walked off with an undisclosed amount of money, and remains at large.
The sheer absurdity of this is what I love. A guy walks into a bank and, despite his wearing sunglasses and a MASK, no one bats an eye until he brandishes a pitchfork and takes their money at forkpoint. As he left, he ditched the pitchfork -- which detectives are currently poring over, hoping it will provide them a clue -- raced through a wooded area and hopped into a getaway van driven by a woman.
As anyone who has watched a heist movie knows, robbing a bank is no simple matter. With cameras, silent alarms, a uniformed guard or two and many doors with locks, getting in and out before police arrive is a feat. Doing it with a gun sort of evens the odds a bit, as it may prevent customers and bank officials from any heroics. I've heard of bank robbers using knives, hostages, even vests laden with explosives -- which, when you think about it, is a very stupid way to rob a bank. It's hard to make it to the getaway van if you've blown yourself to smithereens. I've even heard tell of robbers here and there who only pretended to have a gun. They would use the old "pointed finger on the inside of the jacket pocket" routine. It's the oldest trick in the book. It's so old, I bet it actually pre-dates handguns. Nevertheless, because it's hard to see through a jacket, bank tellers have to err on the side of caution. And, in their defense, it is entirely possible that someone somewhere has invented a finger-shaped gun. The world is a big place, and stranger things have happened.
But robbing a bank with a pitchfork? That's right up there with robbing a bank with a posthole digger or a sawhorse. Pitchforks are big, unwieldy items that don't lend themselves to quick getaways and, frankly, they aren't very threatening. They're just odd.
Fortunately, there is no shortage of oddity in our world. Last August, in Abilene, Texas, 91-year-old Richard Rountree robbed a bank with two manila envelopes. He'd even taken the liberty of writing the word "robbery" in large letters in red magic marker on one of the envelopes, which he showed to the teller as he passed her the second one. The teller, according to a U.S. Justice Department press release, thought he was joking but went along with it and put nearly $2,000 into the envelope.
In front of a wealth of witnesses, Rountree exited the bank and, not surprisingly, was caught about 45 minutes later with all the money taken, as well as the red magic marker he'd used on the envelopes. He is currently serving a 12-year sentence. Another wacky bank robbery? Sort of, but not nearly so much as United States Attorney Jane Boyle praising the "investigative efforts" of the local office of the FBI, the Texas Department of Public Safety, the Taylor County Sheriff's Office, the Abilene Police Department and the West Central Texas Interlocal Crime Task Force.
What does it say about us as a people when it now takes the combined might of five law enforcement organizations to catch a 91-year-old bank robber armed only with manila envelopes. I can only assume the many witnesses to the robbery were afraid to confront this nonagenarian for fear he'd give them a really bad paper cut or something. Manila papercuts really sting. Not like a pitchfork, of course, but still. At least that rascal is off the streets. Call me cynical if you wish but, with the legal system the way it is, he'll probably be out on good behavior by the time he's 100.
To sum up, life is wacky. Once you appreciate that God has a sense of humor and that He is giving us little morsels of absurdity like idiotic bank robbers, everything gets a whole lot easier. And, if you don't think God has a sense of humor, take a look at your co-workers.