Another Beer? Just Say "Neigh"
by Doug Hecox, Sept. 23, 2004
Horses don't ask for much. They like to stand in the sun, with a breeze that is strong enough only to keep flies from accumulating. They like companionship. They like to be complimented and, like any of us, they hate being rear-ended by drunk drivers.
While finishing my morning coffee a few days ago, I read that three guys in Pittsburgh were charged with drunken driving for rear-ending a horse. It didn't help matters that one of the drunks was actually on the horse at the time, riding away from a bar on a dark country road.
Drunks are funny. In a way, they are like six-year-olds. Everyone remembers the kid in their kindergarten class who couldn't put his cowboy boots on the right feet. He would walk around like that all day, unaware that he looked like aliens had removed his legs and reattached them in the wrong order. Teachers would mock him in their "teacher's lounge." Well, drunks are like that too. They are often seen roaming through the night with boots on the wrong feet and, in this instance, probably in the wrong stirrups.
Bob Hope once told a joke about a couple of drunk cowboys in the Old West who, after a night of whooping it up, were about to call it a night. The town parson, seeing these two disgraceful examples, turned one of the saddles around backwards. He didn't get to the second one before these two poured themselves out of the bar. The next morning, with a headache the size of Texas, the first cowboy connected with the other and asked if he got home okay. "Yep," said the second one, whose saddle had been reversed, "but it could've been really bad. While we were drinking, someone cut my horse's head off. If I hadn't shoved my hand down its throat, he could've bled to death."
I digress.
The Pennsylvania Supreme Court ruled that drunk driving laws can't be enforced against people on horseback which, frankly, sends a dangerous message. All three of the defendants failed breathalyzer tests, but the judge threw out the charges when he realized that the state's definition of "vehicle" doesn't include horses. In short, don't let your friends drive drunk -- instead, give them a mare. This is the kind of judicial mollycoddling that every alcoholic in the world who happens to own a horse has been waiting for.
As if this case couldn't be more unusual, the judge -- Justice Michael Eakin -- wrote his opinion in rhyme. Evidently a fan of "Mr. Ed," the TV show about a talking horse who not only spoke the King's English but who also occasionally wore glasses and wacky hats, Eakin wrote "A horse is a horse, of course, of course, but the Vehicle Code does not divorce its application from, perforce, a steed as my colleagues said.
"'It's not vague,' I'll say until I'm hoarse, and whether a car, a truck or horse this law applies with equal force, and I'd reverse instead."
The horse ridden by the drunk rider could not be reached for comment about the judge's ruling, but onlookers suggest he would say "Nay!" or words to that effect. As any horse would agree, drinking and riding do not mix. If you've been sowing your oats, know when to say hold your horses.