The Spend Is Near
by Doug Hecox, Dec. 1, 2004
The sunrise, powerful in its simplicity, majestic in its predictability, paints the morning sky with an array of colors so robust and plentiful that it has stirred the emotions of everyone from beggars to kings.
So, too, is the beauty of congressional appropriations. Its absurdity equals the majesty of any sunrise and is just as predictable. Funding medical research is not what I’m talking about, nor is funding the military and ensuring that law enforcement keep the bad guys locked up. No, I’m talking about the absurd congressional spending that occurs every year or so, right before the politicians break land-speed records trying to leave D.C. for the holidays. This week, the U.S. House of Representatives voted 344-51 and the U.S. Senate voted 65-30 to approve a $388 billion spending bill to keep the federal government chugging right along. It’s the Thanksgiving season, making it all the more appropriate to call the bill a big, fat turkey. A big, fat, EXPENSIVE turkey.
Government spending bills contain pretty much everything AND the kitchen sink, and often funding for foundations to research and preserve kitchen sinks. This year’s spending bill -- with a report to explain it -- was 14 inches thick. That’s a lot of spending.
For example, North Dakota will get over $300,000 to protect sunflowers from blackbirds. I can only assume it’s a 100-foot tall scarecrow which, if true, will be the ONLY thing on the North Dakota skyline. It so flat up there it makes Kansas look like the Swiss Alps.
Drawing fire from many was a $1 million grant for a “Wild American Shrimp Initiative,” which prompted Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) to ask “Why does the U.S. taxpayer need to fund this ‘no shrimp left behind act’?” He wore a scowling, grim expression when he said it and, to his credit, he wasn’t one of the 65 who voted for the bill. Sadly, Wyoming’s senators both did.
Thanks to the hard work of native son Sen. Richard Shelby (R-Ala.), Alabama will get $4 million for an International Fertilizer Development Center. The closest I ever came to developing international fertilizer was feeding my dog leftover Chinese food, and -- even including the carpet cleaner -- it cost a lot less than $4 million. Shelby must be a pretty confident guy to brag about bringing home THAT kind of bacon to his constituents. Voters have a hard time swallowing bacon that tastes like fertilizer. In fact, it took Shelby 20 separate press releases to take credit for bringing Alabama so many federally-subsidized goodies. Bringing fertilizer money to Alabama is dirty work but someone’s got to brag about it.
Despite the hard work of passing the massive spending bill, Shelby made time to pass another bill that will protect America -- and, more specifically, Ft. Payne, Ala., known as the “Sock Capital of the World” -- from an invasion of foreign-made socks. That’s right. Socks.
According to a press release from his office, “I believe that the American consumer will benefit by having the country of origin clearly and conspicuously labeled on the front of the package,” he said.
Loading up the federal taxpayers with the burden for local projects is a time-honored tradition in Congress, and has flourished in spite of a ballooning national debt, less money for federal programs and growing concern about how government will finance Medicare and Social Security. We may not have money for the elderly but they can rest easy -- hungry and unmedicated, but easy -- knowing in what country their socks were made and that fertilizer has been thoroughly researched.
So breathe deep, America -- enjoy the majesty of Congress’ latest success. Embrace the aroma of your brand new taxpayer-subsidized fertilizer research center because YOU made it possible. If you think it is Congress’ fault, think again -- the responsibility of pork in such spending bills rests squarely on YOU! Unless politicians are punished at the ballot box, reckless governmental spending will continue. It’s a serious matter because, like you, I don’t think we need any more International Fertilizer Development Centers. We get enough fertilizer out of the Capitol as it is.