Computer Illiterate and Damn Proud
Technology really gets on my nerves. We live in a time when your average Casio calculator could've launched Apollo XIII, yet I can't get my PC to ... stop laughing at me. Maybe it's just me. I grew up in a time when Atari ruled with games like Pac-Man and Kaboom, computers ran on cassettes, and getting a cursor to blink gave one clout in the programming community. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't live without some of the advances we've made. Lazy bums like me knelt in silent prayer when we discovered the button on the microwave marked "POPCORN." All we need now is a button marked "FOOD" and we'll be set. And what would the college population do without ATM's (besides go to the bank)?
I'm the proud owner of one of the pioneering pieces of computing machinery. I have a 1983 Apple IIc. They have one of these things in the Smithsonian. Next to the exhibit, there's a chart showing the evolution of computers. It starts with a caveman adjusting his loincloth as he prepares to count to eleven, then my Apple, then the obvious upgrade to the Apple -- the abacus.
What scares me is that today's basic calculator has more memory than my Apple. There are Alzheimer's patients that have more memory than my Apple. But it does have some perks -- the color monitor, for example: it's a snazzy shade of green. I've absorbed so much radiation over the years that now, whenever I become angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs. And, get this, the Apple has a modem jack. An empty tin can and a piece of string actually gets a much faster connection than you might think. I also own one of the older printers in the world. Staples stopped selling 8 1/2 x 11 slabs of granite, so I had to get rid of it (*sigh*).
I'm happy to say, however, that I'm up with the times enough to have ... well, a life. There are a lot of people whose only contact with the outside world is through e-mail. I don't know about you, but if I spent all my time having my retinas pelted with penis enlargement ads, I think I'd end up a couple tacos short of a combo plate. Granted, e-mail is a great way to circumvent phone bills, send chain letters, and the only way to get "fingered" and not feel dirty.
I have no complaints about the advances made in the realm of video games. Yes, I am a card-carrying video game junkie. I go to meetings once a week and hear sob stories about people who just can't get the 2300 hit combo on Extremely Violent Combat. If I had a quarter for every time I...nevermind.
Where technology has really taken shape is in the movies. The medium reflects life so accurately. Where else can an alien invasion be stopped by the mighty power of Windows95 (besides the Los Angeles border patrol)? This proves my theory that Bill Gates found some disk in the middle of a crop circle, and now we're unknowing pawns, carrying out an extra-terrestrial ploy to take over the world (YES, Pinky). Only an evil alien intelligence would think to distract us with solitaire.
I don't presume to know much else about computers. I'm about as computer illiterate as they come. I think my aversion comes from the constant references to colons. To fix most problems on a computer, all you need is bran. It makes sense...most computer geeks look like they could use a good bowel movement...or something. I also don't understand the drives. "Hard drive" sounds like a Freud rough draft. With all those drives, it's tough to tell one from amother (damn slips).
I guess I'm doomed to the minimal understanding it takes to word process. I'll never understand the nuance of John Tesh, the brilliance of Urkel, or the dichotomy of the Olsen Twins either. And if that's the case, then ignorance truly is bliss.