Five Worst Cities for Dating
A recent survey listed Washington, DC as one of the best cities in the country for dating. The survey concluded that the overwhelming number of young, smart, single people with tons of non-risk capital make DC an ideal dating environment, though many people I know consider DC one of the worst dating environments for precisely those same reasons. In fact, anyone who lives here knows that Washington isn't the dating Mecca this survey makes it out to be: while young, smart single people are everywhere in DC, most of them work extremely long hours, leaving them little time for socializing. And, because of their proximity to people in power, many people in Washington posses a hypertrophied sense of their own importance: many assume that that the work they do single-handedly decides the fate of the free world, even though that work usually consists of assisting the person responsible for scheduling some cabinet member's weekly Alase treatments.
But despite the petty cavils one may hear, DC isn't actually the worst city for dating. After conducting a thorough investigation using the time-honored scientific tools of "prejudice" and "whim," I've listed what are clearly the five worst cities for dating, to wit:
5. Martinsville, Indiana.
Locals describe the dating scene as consisting of nothing but "a feckless series of kegstands, followed by cow-tipping...lots of cow-tipping." Local strategies for attracting the opposite sex: having all your teeth, getting on an episode of "Cops." Hotspots for meeting potential dates: grain elevators, tractor pulls, Klan meetings.
4. Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary, Lawrence Kansas
"Dating" is difficult, since most "dates" will cost you anywhere from two cartons of cigarettes to a finely honed shiv. And dressing for dates is risky, since you tend to be wearing what everyone else is wearing - a definite fashion faux pas. Local strategies for attracting the opposite sex: taking over the prison library, placing personal ads in "Soap Opera Digest." Hotspots for meeting potential dates: laundry room, shower, the TV room in Cell Block C, guard tower.
3. Any city in Florida
Everyone in Florida is either old or dead, or wishes they were dead. People scan the obituary pages for recent "breakups." Local strategies for attracting the opposite sex: being alive. Hotspots for meeting potential dates: doctors' offices, funeral homes.
2. Bikini Atoll, Pacific Ocean
Years of nuclear testing have left the island uninhabitable except to horrifyingly mutated forms of human life (cf. Gary Busey). Strategies for meeting the opposite sex: publicly lopping off a superfluous toe, "glowing." Hotspots for meeting potential dates: literally anywhere on the island (bring a Geiger counter).
And the worst city for dating:
Paris, France
Paris has to be the worst city in the world for dating, since your odds of dating a French person are extraordinarily high. Some think it worth the risk. Others, noting that French people tend to smell like landfills, wisely choose to move. Quickly. Hotspots: anywhere not in France.