Meet the Swing Voters
by the Dcstandup.com News Team
WASHINGTON, Sept. 2, 2004 -- With the presidential election fast approaching, both parties scramble desperately for "swing voters" -- those people who have yet to decide who they will vote for on Nov. 2. Due to the increasingly partisan and divisive nature of American politics, in 2004 there are exactly four swing voters remaining in the country, and the future of our great republic rests in their gentle hands. The dcstandup.com news team spoke to them recently:
Dempsy Firpo, 35, Beloit, Wisconsin
Dempsy epitomizes the undecided voter. He is not ill-informed; on the contrary, he is plugged in to every channel of the media he can turn his mind to: Cable News, Talk Radio, Internet Blogs, and even the occasional street looney. No, Firpo is not detached from politics. He's just stupid.
"I get up in the morning and read The Weekly Standard with a highlighter pen," he reports. "Then I turn on Al Franken and Janeane Garofalo for three hours of brain puree. I follow that with some aerobic dittoheading with Rush. By the time I'm memorizing the latest Noam Chomsky screed, I'm ready to burn the flag I'm wrapping myself in. I believe everything everybody tells me, and come November, I intend to vote for whoever was recommended by the last person I talked to."
After the election, Firpo intends to devote his free time to beekeeping, foster parenting, and locating his backside with both hands.
Eric "E-Man" Terwilliger, 24, Durango, Colorado
Eric enjoys life in Durango, where he's "either cruising in my '83 Ford Mustang towards the Taste-E-Freeze, or driving the Chem-Lawn Truck."
Voter History: "They asked me if I wanted to register to vote when I got my license renewed - had it taken away when I blew an .05 on the breathalyzer - and I said 'Hell, yeah!' I mean, you never know when they're going to hold a big national vote to legalize it. Be prepared ... that's all I'm sayin'."
Party Affiliation: "Hell, yeah!"
Issues of Importance: "Look, why can't I find decent traction bars for my 'Stang, huh? I'm trying to cherry the f***er out, and everything I find is all rusted and bent ass-backwards. Maybe they could pass a law or something making it illegal to throw out perfectly good traction bars. That's just a waste, man. And just because a car's got a little catalytic converter problem don't make it a 'public nuisance.' They should do away with that piddly-ass law, pronto."
Abby Kaiser, 36, Parma, Ohio
An assistant manager of the Blockbuster Video on Route 14, the issue Abby is most concerned about in the upcoming election is animal rights.
"I think that dogs and cats should have more education opportunities. You should have seen the progress Mrs. PreciousKins was making in my night-school culinary classes; before they found her in my Hello Kitty fanny pack and made us both leave. Come to think of it, I actually never got a refund for that. So the candidate that can get me my refund from the Adult Advancement Annex on Pinehurst Street, and also set up a small university of sorts for house pets to expand their knowledge of things like pottery and computer management; will have my vote. As soon as I register, I mean. Oh! And if they can reunite Wilson Phillips! Those girls had talent!"
Mary Stankowski, 45, Johnstown, Pennsylvania
As the wife of an unemployed steelworker, Mary's chief concern in the election is outsourcing. "Ever since Bob's job was stolen by dirty Mexicans ... at least I think it was Mexicans, one of the pamphlets we got said it might have been the Brazilians ... he's been in a total funk. Those steel tariffs Bush signed helped him find work for a little while, but now they're gone, and I really can't enjoy 'Days of Our Lives' when he's next to me on the couch eating a Sweet Onion Chicken Teryaki sub in his jockeyshorts. He needs to get back to work."
But outsourcing is a double-edged sword. "I got this designer handbag for like $10 in the mall parking lot, and that from outsourcing, right? I mean, if little American children were working on these things, they'd cost, what, $150? But we can outsource that to some Chinese kid and I'm OK with that."
But for Mary, it mostly comes down to employment. "I need Bob out of the house, so Bob needs a job. I'll vote for whoever gets him one. It doesn't even have to be at a steel mill. He doesn't type fast or anything, but what about a job like Secretary of Commerce? That doesn't involve much typing, does it?"
